I Saw Her Standing There
by MarblePlum
Summary: As Joey and Caitlin's wedding approaches, tension resumes and sparks fly between Craig and Ashley.
1. Chapter 1

I Saw Her Standing There

The above song is from the Beatles, in jest to a couple anti-Crash comments about Yoko Ono. ;) This story takes place towards the end of a season six, when Ashley joins the same senior class as Emma, Manny, J.T., etc. Joey and Caitlin have reunited after a year apart, and are now working on their upcoming nuptials. They want the Degrassi community to help, seeing as most of their special moments have taken part in or around the school. Emma volunteers to help the wedding planner throw a good Degrassi shindig, seeing as Joey has always been a good friend to her family and Caitlin is her role model. She enlists the aid of Ash, Manny, Toby, J.T., Liberty, Darcy, and Spinner. As an added treat, Paige appears briefly as the apprentice to a wedding planner. I love Paige, so she appears in most of my stories. LOL. Ashley has just ended a relationship with Jimmy after they come to a mutual agreement to be just friends. The following couples are still going out: Peter and Emma, J.T. and Liberty, and Spinner and Darcy. Craig is still in Vancouver, and to Ashley's knowledge, is still dating Ellie. She and Ellie haven't been in contact for a year, and Ashley is lead to believe they're happy. But come on, this is Degrassi. ;) Enjoy! All the chapters are named after Beatles songs. Dedicated to the Angsty Artists on Fan Forum: Diana, Kathy, Katie, and our silent shippers. :D

Chapter 1: Baby's in Black

Simpson's wearing his black Elvis wig as Darcy tosses the pink crepe paper over Toby's head to Emma. Manny demonstrates how to "drop it like it's hot" for an impressed J.T. Liberty shakes her head and pulls J.T. away by the collar. I can't help but smile a little. Even more, I can't help but be surprised that I'm actually having fun with Toby and his friends. My stepbrother's friends. Peter passes out canned soda for everyone, winks at Emma, and I can tell she's blushing as she moves her eyes to her clipboard. Emma and I are now surprisingly close, having bonded over the new and improved S.I.T.E. club and in Caitlin's Journalism Club. We actually have decent, long talks, but we really don't interact when Manny's around. It's nice to know someone who plans for the future as much as I do.

"How's the memory book coming, Darcy?" asks Emma, her eyes moving down the list.

"Good...I think," says Darcy, scratching her head. "Um, somebody crayoned on the title page."

"Probably Jack," says Snake, walking over to Darcy to assess the damage.

"Is crayoned a verb?" says Peter.

"It actually is," answers Liberty.

"I crayoned yesterday to get my mind off exams," says Manny. "Totally therapeutic."

In two weeks, school ends. I try not to think of the stack of acceptance letters under my journal, waiting for me to piece through them. There's Banting, which Paige keeps promoting in our IM conversations, and Toronto, where Jimmy's heading for art school. Instead, I think about what's in my journal. There were poems I did for Kwan, movie quotes from films I watched with Jimmy, songs I loved on the radio. But I keep looking back at the cover, closing it, then looking at the cover again. It just doesn't seem like me anymore. Maybe it's like what Caitlin said in Club: Knowing more about the world changes you. I thought I was happy in London, but I kept thinking about my family and my friends, especially the last person I saw, the last person who said he loved me. I remember sitting in St. James Park, hearing a guy strum away on his guitar, and crying on a bench. The tears fell all the way down to the knees of my jeans, then hit the pavement. I was dating Ali at that point, but I wasn't crying in front of him. I had cried enough in front of him for a month straight after I left Toronto. I cried because I hated to yell at the person who trusted me the most, because I couldn't bare to look at how hurt he was as the taxi drove off, because I had written so many e-mails to try to explain and thought they couldn't capture what I wanted to say. Craig, I had and still have so much to say.

There is a sudden knock on the classroom door and Joey enters, carrying two boxes of pizzas as Angie skips along, a bag of candy in her hand. He looked great as always, and we exchanged a private smile. Caitlin admitted that she bragged about my writing skills to Joey. Joey said he wasn't surprised, thought I'd be the next Barbara Walters, and hinted that Craig would think the same. I thought Joey would hate me after what happened two years ago, but he said, how could I hate you when Craig doesn't? He was just trying to be polite because Craig probably did hate me, but sometimes I actually believe him, maybe because I want to.

"Some munchies for the wedding crew," announces Joey, handing J.T. the pizzas.

"I love weddings," says J.T., setting it on the table and opening it immediately.

Joey starts to sing happily. "She thinks of him, and so she dressed in black. And though he'll never come back, she's dressed in black..."

"What kind of man sings that two weeks before his wedding?" says Snake, giving Joey a quick hug.

"A confident man who loves the Beatles," answers Joey.

"I love pizza," says Manny. "Out of my way, losers. Actress coming through."

Toby puts her head in a headlock and Manny giggles. "Stop, stop!" she cries.

"Guys, you're ruining Manny's hair," says Darcy, who actually sounds serious.

Toby nods at J.T., who puts Darcy in a headlock.

Emma shakes her head at me and I grin. I wave at Angie, who walks over.

"I'm lost in a void of eternity, the eye of the storm, the depth of the sea...," sings Angie, settling into a chair next to me.

"Ugh, my black period," I groan, remembering that morbid song I composed years ago. "Remind me never to sing that again when I'm braiding your hair...oh, I mean..."

I look down and sigh. Yeah, like I would ever be an invited guest in their house again. Stupid Ash. Real stupid.

"You're going to come over again?" asks Angie, who sounds a bit excited.

"Uh no...that was word vomit."

"Too bad. I miss you, Ash. Ellie's kinda...well, she's not very girly."

At the mention of Ellie's name, I twist a couple of carnation petals. I'm surprised that I've ripped them off.

"What about Manny?" I ask, just the least bit curious, and well, because she's in a headlock and can't hear right now.

"She didn't hang out with me. She just came over to see Craig."

I could imagine.

"How is he?" I say, expecting Angie to be surprised that I ask.

She isn't. "Fine. But you should come over anyway. I can give you a manicure."

"When did you start doing manicures?"

"Since I turned ten. Now I'm in the double digits."

I laugh.

"I've got cherry-favored lip gloss too. I'll probably kiss more times this year than Craig and Ellie."

"What?" I stammer.

Angie grins and leaves the candy with me. "He came home Christmas break...and he was alone."

Alone? It was probably becauseEllie had to do something for school, or maybe she was visiting friends during break, or maybe...

Darcy came over, having escaped the head lock.

"Oh no, the flowers," says Darcy, a frown appearing as petals spread across the table. "Ashley, maybe you should do something else. This requires concentration. You space out too easily."


	2. Carry The Weight

Chapter 2: Carry That Weight

_Boy – you're gonna carry that weight,  
Carry that weight a long time.  
I never give you my pillow,  
I only send you invitations,  
And in the middle of the celebrations I break down. _

The yearbook room is stifling, unusual for May, but typical for our school. I fan myself with my binder and sit down next to Jimmy who has on a nice, terrycloth blue shirt, and wears the "J" necklace I gave him in eighth grade. I can't believe he kept that. He started wearing it over the summer as we grew closer, and now I just think he puts it on as a habit. I never say anything, because I like the unspoken sweetness of it. He is scanning pictures into the computer, compiling the senior superlatives. I wonder if he's sad when he looks at them and can't see Paige,Hazel, or El in any of the pictures, the friends we were supposed to graduate with. I have to admit that sometimes I am.

"Look what I found," said Jimmy, tapping a few keys.

In a few seconds, a picture of us hugging on the Degrassi steps during eighth grade pops up.

"Aaah," I exclaim, grabbing Jimmy's arm. "Where'd you find that?"

"Somebody left the pic in the archives," says Jimmy. "We got Cutest Couple."

"Yeah, for junior high," I say, smiling and shaking my head.

"Well, I was really cute back then," says Jimmy. "Now, you...you looked a hot mess."

I slap Jimmy lightly on the head.

"Long live the muffin hair," whispers a voice behind me.

It's Spinner, carrying an envelope.

"What are you doing here?" I ask. "Trying to weasel into the yearbook under Class Clown? That's already sewn up."

Jimmy nodded and clicked on a picture of J.T., who was wearing rainbow suspenders, a kilt, and platform boots, doing the robot at the Homecoming Dance this past November.

"That's one ugly woman," gasps Spinner. "Nice legs, though."

"Dude, that's J.T.,"says Jimmy, and we both look at him, surprised. Spinner blushes.

"Of course...umm, I have pictures, because believe it or not, Elvira, Darcy and I have won Cutest Couple. For the second straight year."

Spinner hands Jimmy the pictures and Jimmy begins scanning them.

"I can't believe the school year's almost over, and we'll be out of here," I say.

"I'm just glad to get out," says Jimmy. "It seems like we've been in here forever."

"Well, it's definitely an interesting school experience. I took drugs..."

"I took Spin's Ritalin," interrupted Jimmy.

"I...uh...had really bad hair," added Spinner.

We all burst out laughing.

"So, Spin, should I take Miss Most Likely to Succeed to the wedding?" says Jimmy, nodding at me.

"Um, don't you think that would be like...you know, awkward?"

Jimmy looked at the ground for a bit. Nothing had really changed so I don't see why it would be awkward. We still talked everyday. I went to see his art on display in Toronto's new art gallery. I was so proud of him. I even waited for him to get out of his last class so we could head over to the Dot to hang with Spin and Darcy on Fridays.

"Two exes can't go on a friendly date," says Jimmy, looking up finally.

"No, spaz. I mean, think of who's going to be there...I mean, oh, I better go."

Spinner gives me a worried glance, drops the pictures on the desk, and rushes out of the room.

It didn't take long for my brain to catch onto who Spinner was talking about. He'd be there, at the front, looking handsome in a suit, all refreshed from a flight from Vancouver. And I hadn't thought of it before. I figured I would just help with the wedding, but if I showed up with Jimmy wearing my necklace... Spinner's smarter than I am, and that thought made my head hurt. Then Ellie would be sitting up front in a pretty dress, picturing her own wedding to Craig.

"Ash, Spin's wrong. We can still have fun. Craig forgives easily...," starts Jimmy.

"He's right, Jimmy," I say, rising quickly from the chair and leaving the room.

It is still hot here, and I realize it's really me that's heated. I'm sweating all over. I heard Jimmy's chair rolling behind me, and I just stand in the hallway, embarrassed that I'm running and acting so spastic.

"It'll hurt to look at him," I say, tears falling down my cheeks. "I...can't...I can't do it, Jimmy."

"Especially when he's with someone else," says Jimmy sadly. "You're jealous."

I turn around and Jimmy's just as sad.

"Jimmy, I care about you so much. It's just..." My words trail off.

"I saw you two, staring at each other at last year's graduation...," begins Jimmy.

"Jimmy, we...," I try to soothe him.

"It's alright, Ash. We weren't anything official. And now we're not either. It's alright to keep caring about someone."

"I shouldn't be...he's with Ellie."

I say this in a hurtful whisper, and I don't want it to sound like that, like her name is dirty. She did nothing wrong. I was the one that did almost everything wrong. The stupid e-mail, the fling with Ali, the never calling. But now she's kissing him, and I want him to hate it. She's hearing about his songs first, and I want them to mean nothing to her. I want her to look at him one day and wonder why it all faded so fast.

"It feels like I'm paying for...I don't know," I say, choking on the words.

"Ash, don't do that. Remember what you told me when we were dating. Not to beat myself up for picking on Rick, for treating Spin the way I did. It's about now. So don't blame yourself for anything."

I can't even wipe away the tears because they're falling so fast. I wrap both arms around Jimmy, my elbows touching the top of his chair. He kisses my cheek.

"Romeo's gotta let his Juliet go," he says, looking off into space.

I rub the back of his head. "We're supposed to get married before that happens," I joke, pulling away.

"Let's pretend we did," says Jimmy.

We both crack a smile as the bell rings.


	3. Obladi, Oblada

Chapter 3: Ob-la-di Ob-la-da

_Desmond takes a trolley to the jewellers' stores,  
Buys a twenty carat golden ring.  
Takes it back to Molly waiting at the door  
And as he gives it to her she begins to sing  
In a couple of years they have built  
A home sweet home  
With a couple of kids running in the yard  
Of Desmond and Molly Jones.  
Happy ever after in the market place  
Desmond lets the children lend a hand.  
Molly stays at home and does her pretty face  
And in the evening she still sings it with the band.  
Happy ever after in the market place  
Molly lets the children lend a hand.  
Desmond stays at home and does his pretty face  
And in the evening she's singer with the band.  
And if you want some fun – take Ob-la-di Ob-la-da._

_La, la, la, la, life goes on..._

Emma and I carry a large cake box into the kitchen of the Dot, while Manny carries a bag of paper plates. Emma gives an annoyed glance, and Manny puts on a face of innocence– pouty mouth, wide eyes, scrunched up nose.

"Long nails," she says innocently, flashing her freshly manicured hand.

J.T. runs past us, Toby in tow. Toby squirts green frosting on the back of J.T.'s shirt, and J.T. makes a leap for the tube. He bumps into Emma as we just barely get the box stable before putting it on the table. An open bag of flour pours its contents down Emma's denim skirt.

"You are so dead!" yells Emma, looking around quickly for anything throwable or squirtable.

Toby laughs, hiding behind me. It's not that hard since I'm fairly taller than him. J.T. sees Toby's plan and does the same.

"You wouldn't go through Ash to get to us," says J.T. confidently.

Emma has found a bag of sugar and gives me an apologetic look.

"This was my favorite skirt," she says sweetly before decking us all with sugar.

I blink and feel a hundred grainy particles rush down my shirt, down my bra, near my ears. Manny points and laughs. J.T. and Toby cackle.

"Em!" I cry, but then I see myself in the reflective surface of the top of the stove and crack up. With my blue eyes and powdery body, I look like the Pillsbury dough boy.

"I look totally eatable," I say, whirling around for everyone to see.

J.T. hands me a cloth, then curiously eyes me up and down.

"Uh, would help...but you know, Liberty and all," he said.

I put my hands over my chest, and Emma pushes him to the side. She hands me a few paper towels for my face, mouths "sorry", and I start shaking the sugar out of my hair.

Spinner and Darcy walk through the door, hand in hand. Even I have to admit those two are adorable.

"Umm...I thought we were going to let Caitlin decide on the cake decorations, not bake. I could've bought my spatula," says Darcy.

Toby rolls her eyes, and nudges Manny, who tries to hide a smile.

"Dude, this is a restaurant, not a cafeteria. No food fights" said Spinner, giving me a dirty look.

"Wow, Spin, you actually sound...responsible," I say.

Maybe the sugar was causing me to hear things.

Liberty walks in and kisses J.T. on the cheek. "Caitlin's here," she says.

Caitlin walks in and immediately smiles. That's what I love about Caitlin. She's almost never upset, so easy-going. I wasn't like that until I got back from London. She was wearing jeans and a T-shirt, her hair pulled back in a high ponytail.

"Looks like we've already started decorating," says Caitlin, flicking some sugar off my shoulder.

"Yeah, Ashley's the bride that stands on top of the cake," says Toby. "Her fellow ditched her."

"Shut up, Toby" I say.

A quick flash of a little groom with a guitar and a red-haired girl with a video camera side by side on a three-tiered wedding cake came into my mind. I took a deep breath, then shook some more sugar out of my hair.

"Dude, it looks like dandruff," says Spinner.

Another moment of Spinner's short-lived maturity.

Caitlin saw my face fall and seemed to take that as a cue for her to get the ball rolling.

"So Demetria knows I want German chocolate...," starts Caitlin.

Emma nods. "With edible carnation-type flowers, gold frosting trim, and the proper spelling of Caitlin. Trust me. Ever since Mom's wedding cake fiasco a few years back, I got this. We just need for you to decide on the ornaments. So..."

Emma pops open the cake box and everyone peers in. Caitlin's smile grows wider than I've ever seen.

"Awww," says Manny, looking over Toby's shoulder. "They've got turtledoves with candy hearts around them."

"Turtledoves mate for life," gushes Liberty, as J.T.'s arms wrap around her.

I look at Spinner and Darcy, who exchange a kiss. Darcy's eyes light up when she sees a little Cupid aiming his arrow at the white icing.

"Excuse me," I say, giving them a forced smile, and heading for the washroom right outside the kitchen.

I really wanted to help Caitlin, but it feels so stuffy in there. I tell myself I don't know what's going on, but I do. There were all these couples, so excited, even just to see plastic boys in diapers and birds that never get sick of each other and...who am I kidding? I want to be excited too. Who wants to be alone, covered in sugar? That's me. The sweet spinster.

Caitlin tapped me on the shoulder. I'm surprised she followed me out. I see her ring and gaze at it for a few seconds, then look away.

"Your ring is so gorgeous," I say.

"It's heart-shaped. A bit retro," she says. "Joey knows my tastes.."

"I wish I had someone that knew me that well," I whisper. "I mean, I had someone..."

Caitlin nods. I realize I don't have to say anything else.

"Caitlin...would you hate me if I didn't come? I mean, I wish you and Joey the very best, but..."

"Ashley, I'm just glad you're here now. Of course, I'd love for you to come."

"I'd love to come too. It's just that...ah, this is so weird. I don't want to come alone, I guess."

Caitlin gives me a little hug. "Think about it. That's all I'm asking."

She disappears, hearing J.T. joke about putting Freddy Krueger somewhere on the cake, and I head into the washroom. I crack open the window to get some air, and see a few people I know from school talking over hamburgers and fries through the small opening. I love the feel of the air, and hopefully no one sees I'm watching them. In the middle of the Dot, I see Peter fiddling with camera, talking to someone else whose face I can't see. The person has dark, curly hair, and a nice, tall build. It looks like he's putting some film into Peter's camera, and they're talking animatedly.

A group of students move and I can see him clearly. He's in a Death Cab T-shirt, his leather jacket, grinning happily. He looks so happy. Why was I thinking that he wouldn't? I hadn't seen him in a year, since last summer. I remember the smell of his aftershave, the glint in his eyes, the sweet, geeky charm of his voice. This was stuff I knew ever since we sat down to talk about Taming of the Shrew all those years ago, but they always seem so fresh, so nice. Then there's less clear things, like the warm hold of his arms around me that I haven't felt in so long or his nose against my neck as I played my keyboard while sitting on his lap. The room quiets a bit, and I swear I can only hear him and Peter.

"I'm going to tape the whole thing for them," says Peter. "Promised Emma."

"So she's planning the whole thing?" says Craig, looking astonished.

"Pretty much. Demetria's really the planner, but she's kind of a flake. Everyone's helping. Spinner, Darcy, Liberty..."

"Ashley?" says Craig.

"Yeah, and Ashley," replies Peter, who looks about as curious as I am.

I can barely breathe, waiting for his next words.

"I'm glad," says Craig, who hands Peter his camera.

He stands up and walks out. Peter's eyes follow him, puzzled. I lean against the back of the washroom door and feel my heart quicken as Manny squeals, "Someone's heating up Cupid in the microwave!"


	4. Dizzy Miss Lizzie

IV. Dizzy Miss Lizzie

_Run and tell your mama  
I want you to be my bride  
Run and tell your brother  
Baby don't run and hide  
You make me dizzy Miss Lizzie  
Girl I want to marry you  
Come on, give me fever  
put your little hand in mine, girl  
You make me dizzy dizzy Lizzie  
Girl you look so fine  
You're just a rocking and a rolling  
Ooo I said I wish you were mine, ah _

I'm surrounded by pink taffeta, pieces of white tulle, and lace underwear. I hold hair pins, a Scrunchie, and a few barettes. Caitlin is trying out some final hairstyle choices as Demetria reassures her in a thick Russian accent.

"You look like Canadian ballerina," says Demetria, as Caitlin clasps her hair in a high bun.

"So not the look I'm going for," says Caitlin pulling her hair free.

"I get you more hairspray," says Demetria. "You can smell like Canadian pine forest."

Darcy, Manny, and Emma exchange looks and trade smiles.Demetria scuttles past while Caitlin mouths "help" to us.

We're in Pretty Pretty, the mall's hottest store, finding two last minute dresses for Manny and myself. Apparently, since we're not the size of Russian ballerinas like Darcy and Emma and actually have larger chests, Demetria messed up the measurements. It was nice of Caitlin to let us sit down and pick out what we wanted, and she probably had no idea Demetria was so...well, not good. But since we were helping, Caitlin graciously offered to pay for the two extra dresses.

Manny recommended the store, saying something about finding the "Manny-est" dress ever there a couple years ago. There are only a few other people there seeing as it's late Monday, right after school. I wish I was at the Dot wtih Jimmy and Spin. I mean, I like pink, just not everywhere. I was really hoping to see Craig again, though.The other girls are huddled around a rack of clothes, apparently amused with something.

"I found a bra that you can pump!" says Manny, wiggling the bra right in front of Darcy's face. "Your prayers are answered, Darcy."

"The one that doesn't have a boyfriend?" replies Darcy, pushing the bra into Manny's chest.

"I'm taking a break," explains Manny. "When the right guy comes along...then it'll happen. After Craig, well, that's better left unsaid. Okay, now, this bra is called the Satin Vixen. That's just wrong."

I never found out what happened between Craig and Manny exactly, but I do know that Manny has been spending a lot of time over our house, sitting in between J.T. and Toby, looking happier than I've ever seen her. I remember seeing her my sophomore year, sitting on a bench alone outside Degrassi, as if she wished no one could see her. I've felt like that at times. We exchange "hi"s sometimes, but never talk about anything else.

Demetria hands Caitlin the hairspray and turns to me.

"Okay, pretty blue eyes," says Demetria. "I do your hair and we pick out dress, eh?"

Emma gives me a sympathetic look.

"Um, I...," I began to say.

"Demetria, hon, we're getting a bit addicted with the hairspray again and trust me, Ashley's hair doesn't need the extra volume," says a familiar voice behind me.

I turn around to see Paige, squeal, and hug her tightly.

"What are you doing here, Michalchuck?" I ask.

"Scouting out the competition for my internship with a bridal shop, looking at really ugly veils, and running into Princess Ashley, who I haven't spent any real time with for like a year. We need to totally hang. Oh, and Demetria, take it from a lowly, aspiring wedding planner, but pink taffeta is 2005, if even that. Baby blue or silver...totally in."

Paige leads me away and we giggle. I miss having another girl to talk to, one that I've known forever and don't really have to watch what I say around them.

"So, are you mourning post-Jimmy or is there a new guy drooling over you?" asks Paige, rifling through some dresses.

I glance around, thinking about whether to tell Paige about yesterday. She did keep my secrets and she was the one to tell me about Craig and Manny before anyone else.

Paige's eyes light up as she finds a pale silver dress. She holds it up to me and we walk back into a changing room. It's sleeveless, cut demurely to show just a little bit of my bust. It's slender and sparkly, has a bit of a glow around it. I actually like it a lot.

"More like I'm drooling over a past guy" I say softly. "A taken guy."

Paige raises an eyebrow. "Does this taken guy have curly dark hair, just a tad of mystery, and act as a magnet for basically any type of girl-related trouble?"

I roll my eyes and take off my jeans. "Paige..."

"Step in" she instructs. "Is there some type of Craig Bermuda triangle where all these girls get stuck in perpetuity? Ashley, you are so classy, talented, gorgeous. You can have any guy you want and..."

I step into the dress, feeling the cool air from a vent above my head. I'd only let one guy see my body like this, because I knew he'd love every curve, every flaw, everything. He said it himself. I was everything. What happened to that? I can't forget that moment. I need to know if it was real, if I'm still wanted.

"I want him," I exclaim.

I'm amazed that I'm so loud, that I'm so open. I can't even understand why it came out like that. Paige pats me on the back and zips up the dress.

"I don't want you to get hurt," says Paige.

"I already am hurting," I say.

"The dress?" asks Paige. "Suck it in!"

"No. Ellie" I answer, avoiding Paige's gaze.

Paige and I exit the changing room. Thankfully, no one heard me bursting out like that. Manny is showing off her dress, pink taffeta, to Demetria, who reassures her that not only is it in style, but it flatters her dimples. Darcy sits on a chair, pumping up the newly discovered bra, giving it disgusted looks. Caitlin is on her cell, laughing and smiling. She clicks it off.

"Male alert!" she yells.

Darcy quickly shelves the bra and stands up.

Paige and I turn to each other, confused. But that only lasts a second. In walks Craig, hands stuffed into his weathered jeans, a warm smile on his face. I feel a smile form on my own face, and feel a little faint. Craig hands Caitlin some keys. He waves to Manny, who waves back, then quickly turns her back to talk to Emma. I don't know where to go or what to say. He finally sees me and walks over. I hold my breath.

"Breathe," whispers Paige. "You look better conscious."

"Hi Paige," he says, looking at me. "How's school?"

"Oh, same old, same old," responds Paige. "Uhhh, I think I see the Satin Vixen over there. Not that you know what that is, but...leaving now."

Paige heads for the rack and gives Darcy a quick little hug.

Craig's eyes are still so welcoming. He doesn't even have to say hello.

"I feel like a dolphin in this dress," I say, which sounds so stupid. "All silver and shiny."

Craig laughs. "But a very pretty dolphin."

"Thanks."

We both look down, then around for a few seconds.

"Do you...can you come over?" asks Craig.

"What?" I say, feeling the heat rise in my cheeks.

"I mean...we can sit on the porch and just chat. We can talk about what it was like to be on Abbey Road, or you can tell me about homecoming this year, or...we can even talk about goulash."

Craig's smile widens and so does mine.

"Because there's so much to say about goulash," I say.

I remember the times we just sat in the hallway or in his room, just talking about how we both wanted to travel the world. Of course, I said I wanted to go to London, and he mentioned Tokyo and Brazil, places where he could take fabulous pictures. We also discussed who we were going to vote for when we could, which could've been pretty dry if we hadn't come up with nicknames for the potential nominees. Talking with Craig made everything more fun, more clear. And things hadn't been clear for awhile, at least on my end.

"So...will you?" asks Craig.

His eyes always kill me, so needing, but he really doesn't need me anymore. But it's a bit better, I suppose. He wants me to be a part of his life again, and if I can have that, that's something. I tell myself not to go in wanting anything more. That's the smart thing, the practical thing.

"Well, Angie already kind of invited me, so I guess I'll pop by."

"Okay...okay then. Good."

His speech is stammering a little, and it's cute. I probably sound just as nervous, but I was trying to hide it. He backs away a bit, hits a rack, knocks down a few panties. He moves to pick them up, but blushes and chooses to walk away fairly fast.

Paige runs up to me afterwards.

"So?" she says.

I smooth out my dress and grin at her.

"Call Demetria over," I say. "We're going with the dolphin dress."


	5. Hey Jude

V. Hey Jude

_Hey Jude don't make it bad,  
Take a sad song and make it better,  
Remember, to let her into your heart,  
Then you can start to make it better.  
Hey Jude don't be afraid,  
You were made to go out and get her,  
The minute you let her under your skin,  
Then you begin to make it better.  
And anytime you feel the pain,  
Hey Jude refrain,  
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.  
For well you know that it's a fool,  
Who plays it cool,  
By making his world a little colder.  
Hey Jude don't let me down,  
You have found her now go and get her,  
Remember (Hey Jude) to let her into your heart,  
Then you can start to make it better.  
So let it out and let it in  
Hey Jude begin,  
You're waiting for someone to perform with._

I unlock our front door, which is difficult since I'm carrying my dress in a garment bag and my backpack. It's very quiet when I come inside, and I see Mom sipping tea, staring at the dishwasher.

"Got my dress!" I say, cheerfully. "Paige just randomly showed up like a Fairy Godmother and that was that."

Mom nods.

"I still need to find some accessories. A hair clip, a little purse, nice earrings. We can go shopping, maybe?"

Mom still doesn't say a word. I put down my things and cautiously walk up to her. She's usually the one who initiates after school conversations so I know something has to be wrong.

"Mom?" I say.

She sighs, and pushes the tea cup away. She pulls out a chair next to her.

"Sit," she orders.

I sit, feeling my insides twist in knots. This didn't feel right at all.

"Craig called," she says without the slightest hint of emotion.

"He did?" I say, smiling a bit. "Well, I ran into him earlier..."

"Ashley," she begins, and this time I can feel it coming. "When you went to London, I thought it was for both of you, to clear your head, to let Craig figure out what he needed to. You cut off contact with him. You never asked about him while you were over there. You started seeing Jimmy again. You both seem to be getting along okay. So I really don't understand why he'd be calling. Frankly, I'm concerned that this isn't in either of your best interests."

I run a finger through my hair, feeling my eyes burn.

"Mom, you don't know what happened in London. I mean, you don't know how I felt or feel. You don't want to know."

"Ashley, of course I do."

"No, you don't. You don't like Craig. You never liked Craig."

"I don't know Craig, but I know you, and he's made my daughter very depressed in two different ways."

I sigh, looking around the kitchen. Now I wish Craig hadn't called, or hadn't said anything to her. We never had this problem with Jimmy because Mom liked Jimmy. In fact, she'd fill in the gaps when I became more distant, but that distance was just because I couldn't give him my full heart. It wasn't fair to pretend that everything was fine, and even Jimmy knows that. With Craig, it's not only tears and distance. When we were together, I felt like I didn't have to hide anything, only that I wanted some freedom, but I never thought what I wanted would hurt him. And now maybe he wants to burn bridges. Why can't Mom? People change. I know I have, for years.

"He's also made me the happiest I've ever been," I say, surprised that I'm so confident. "And I've never felt like that, not even with Jimmy."

"Jimmy's a good guy, a very good guy who has never hurt you," replies Mom, who looks insulted that I can't put him and Craig on the same level.

"Jimmy's my friend and I've hurt Craig too. I just want to make it better," I say.

"Or you could leave it alone," suggests Mom. "That would make things better. Let him go, Ashley."

"What did he say?" I ask, my lips tightening.

Mom won't answer.

"Mom!" I shout.

"He just said he was looking for you," answers Mom. "Nothing else."

"Excuse me while I hang up my dress."

I stand up, brush past Mom as she shakes her head, grab my dress, and walk down the hallway towards my room. A quick blur of black hair flashes past my eyes as I bump into someone. It's Manny, in a black crop top and cheerleader pants. She looks more pale than I've ever seen her, and then I see that she's not wearing a lot of make-up. It really suits her.

"Hey," says Manny nervously.

"Hey," I say.

I realize she just came out of Toby's room.

"Visiting the dork duo?" I ask. "J.T. and Toby can be really annoying sometimes."

Manny shrugs. "Actually, J.T. left awhile ago."

"Oh, okay," I say, my brow wrinkling.

"Yeah, ummm...Toby's going to do a website for me. For my acting. So...bye."

"Bye."

I look at Manny as she walks past me and towards the door. Just out of curiosity, I peep into Toby's room and see that he is indeed hard at work on his computer. Then, I notice a roll of mints next to his mouse. No way.

"What?" he demands.

I open my mouth to speak, but he quickly shuts the door in my face.

"Like I care!" I yell at the door.

But yeah, I'm pretty curious. Well, I've got enough on my own plate to deal with.

I hang up my dress and hear a buzzing coming from my backpack. I whip out my cell. Please be Craig, please be Craig. It probably isn't, given Mom's cold reception. I hope she didn't say anything horrible to him. Ugh, she probably did.

It's Ellie. Great, so now I have to handle two awkward conversations in one hour. Or did I? I'm really amazed she's calling, given the fact that we hadn't spoken in almost a year. Our last conversation was before she left for university, with the usual good-bye sayings. Keep in touch...duh, of course...see you during the holidays. But we haven't, and I'm not sure who to blame. I miss my best friend, even when I sat across from her and Craig that one night, the night we said so long. There are so many things I want to ask her and I know I can't. Why didn't she come with Craig to Toronto for the holidays? Are they still really happy? Is she, at least, coming to the wedding? Taking a deep breath, I answer.

"Hello?" I say.

"Ash! I've been trying you for hours," says Ellie.

For the first few seconds, I'm excited to hear her voice, like I was when we first met. She's calmed me down so many times, comforted me so many times, I can't separate the voice from the good times. Then something cold runs inside me as if an ice cube is poking at my chest.

"Yeah. Um...wedding preparations," I respond.

"Oh yeah, the wedding," says Ellie. "Joey and Caitlin, Degrassi's yin and yang."

"So...," I say, maybe a bit too casually. "When are you flying in? Are you through with exams and stuff? I saw Craig earlier today."

There's a long pause on the other end, a slight cough.

"El?"

"I'm not...coming. I mean, I sent them a gift and everything, but it'd just be weird...after, you know. I am coming home later this summer to visit Mom and hopefully you.."

I sat down on my bed.

"Ummm...after?" I prod.

"Craig didn't...he didn't say anything?"

"No, are you guys...okay?"

"Oh no, oh no. We're okay. We're just not okay... together, you know?"

I have no idea what she's talking about, but start to feel really intrusive even though I'm so confused and want to know more.

"El, we don't have to..."

"No, it's just...well, I got here and he'd visit and it was really, really awkward. It was like he missed Toronto so much, wanted to go back every weekend, but I got so involved with my studies and writing here. I love it here, Ash. I can say whatever I want and not feel so judged. Found this group of poets and artists, started a lit magazine. And I found this particular poet...Seth."

"Seth?"

I can picture Ellie smiling, shyly looking down. "We just... I don't know. Don't make me get gushy, Ash. We've never been like that."

I laugh. "You sound happy, though."

"I am. And Seth just never pushed, and since Craig's basically my best friend, he wanted me to be happy. He's okay...well, seems that way."

Best friend. I used to be his best friend. I stare at my cell for a second, then start talking again.

"It just wasn't right, Ash. You can't hold onto something that isn't there anymore. And maybe that means you were meant to be with someone else."

"Yeah, I know that firsthand...actually."

"Jimmy? Yeah, you guys are totally meant to be."

"Yeah...Jimmy."

Flashes of moments with Craig and Ellie start to materialize in my mind. I remember he made a scrapbook of pictures she'd photographed before she went to university. He'd taken so much time to develop them, arrange them in chronological order. She gave him a quick buzz on the cheek. Then, another time, when Jimmy, Ellie, and I were discussing some comic prints we saw at a gallery, Craig came in and presented Ellie with new drumsticks, because apparently, the ones she had been using were getting worn. I had to sit through all of that, see the small kisses, her hands patting his leg. Surely, Ellie had some feelings for him, and I wasn't about to tell her that it was really Craig, not Jimmy, who I wanted to be with.

But at least I know. I know that Ellie's happier with someone else, that Craig can be, that I can be. And I don't care what Mom says. I deserve to know, and to keep going.

"So what else is going on?"asks Ellie, bringing me back to the conversation.

I clutch a pillow to my chest. "Ummm, Toby and Manny, I think," I say.

"No!" exclaims Ellie.

"Hey," I say, flopping back on my bed. "Stranger things have happened."


	6. Honeymoon Song

VI. Honeymoon Song

_Never knew that a day  
like today lay before us.  
I've got the sun in my heart  
and my heart's in the sun.  
Skies are as bright  
as your eyes,  
the horizon is open.  
Love is the ceiling,  
feelings are reelings  
free as the air.  
Forever on and forever,  
forever on side by side.  
who ever knew that we two  
could be free as we'd fancy,  
fancy is free  
but are we bound  
to each other by love,  
to each other by love?  
Who ever knew that we two  
could be free as we'd fancy,  
fancy is free  
but are we bound  
to each other by love,  
to each other by love,  
to each other by love,  
to each other by love? _

A pom-pom whirls past my head as I take my seat, and flip open my notepad. I can't believe I offered to cover the last sporting activity of the year. There were so many other good assignments: what seniors were planning to do after school, the blood drive, the annual interview with Ms. Hatzilakos. But no, I was surrounded by peppy teens in short skirts and athletic gear. We were celebrating the softball team's championship win over Bardell. The only person I knew on the team was Spinner, and he wasn't that good.

I was still reeling from my conversation with Ellie in a good way, and from my conversation with Mom in a bad way. Secretly hoping Craig would still call yesterday, I stayed up until about midnight just staring at my phone. A couple of times, I thought about calling myself, but I didn't even know where to begin. I think I heard Toby talking on the phone through the wall. I can't believe his love life is progressing faster than mine. It's so annoying.

Emma walks up the bleachers and hands me a camera.

"Peter needs it back before semi-formal," she says.

"Thanks," I say.

"You might want to snap some pics when the cheerleaders first come on," whispers Emma with a smile.

"Why?" I ask.

"Let's just say there may be a surprise in the works," answers Emma, pointing to Joey and Caitlin.

"What are they doing here?" I say.

Emma's gone before I finish my question. My notepad is so empty. I should be writing people who I can interview, or what the gym, decked out in blue and gold streamers and balloons, looks like. Some journalist I was going to be.

I feel a warm pair of hands cover my eyes, hands I've felt before. Immediately, I place the feeling. It was before the hotel room opened and I saw the rose petals on the floor. With my luck, it's probably Toby covering my eyes so J.T. can slip ice down my shirt.

"Avert your eyes from the peppiness," says the voice I was hoping for.

"I'm pretending it's a Tori Amos concert," I say, hopefully not showing that I'm too thrilled. "Or Evanescence."

"In which case, I'd vomit," jokes Craig, taking a seat beside me.

My heart keeps beating faster, so fast I'm afraid Craig will notice. He's still the most attractive guy I've ever seen in a leather jacket, and the only guy that can make a goofy grin hot. But he's no pin-up. Sometimes his hair is askew, and his pants are ruffled, but I can't help but love those little things. He can't really dance that well, but I don't mind. He has the weirdest taste in food, like gravy on fries and mayonnaise mixed in with macaroni, but he looks so happy eating them, you'd swear it was the best food invented. He doesn't like every band I like, but he would still listen to them and tell me why he didn't think they were all that.

"Ha ha," I say, sarcastically.

"I called you," he says, casually smiling.

"Yeah...Mom interference," I say, turning a deep shade of red I'm sure.

"Ah, Kate Kerwin, my biggest cheerleader," says Craig, nodding. "If I got her some pom-poms, do you think she'd do a cheer for me like Paige did for Kevin Smith?"

I laugh. "Paige told me it stank, so yeah, my mom would definitely do a bad cheer for you."

"Good to know," says Craig. "Well, if it's any consolation, she was just confused on the phone, not rude at all."

"She's confused about a lot of things..."

Craig gives me a look, but pretty much gets that I won't say anything else.

"Why are you here?" I ask, trying to change the subject.

"I think you're about to find out," hints Craig, grinning widely at me.

I grin back, but then turn to see the cheerleaders jogging, whooping, and getting the audience in a frenzy. Manny leads the pack, doing three cartwheels in succession. I cast a quick look at Toby, who looks utterly entranced, as if she were the missing microchip in his computer. Gross. Darcy and the other cheerleaders do simultaneous kicks and hand springs, as Danny, the mascot this year, clicks on a stereo.

_For goodness sake, I got the hippy happy shakes. For goodness sake, I got the hippy hippy shakes..._

The girls dance around for a bit, shimmying, boogeying, whatever it is they do. I don't know the terms. Manny shimmies the hardest, while they all turn to Joey and Caitlin, laughing and clapping happily while they perform.

"Beatles," identifies Craig. "It's Caitlin's guilty pleasure song. It took me forever to get that info out of her."

"Awww," I say, and snap a couple pics.

The lens totally captures their happiness. I can't believe all they've been through, some of which I don't even know. I only know what Craig told me, that he cheated on her, that Caitlin needed to find herself in L.A., that when they met again, there were only tears and smiles, not anger. Now, I see Joey hugging her from behind, and know they've conquered so much, no matter what anyone said or thought.

Danny shuts off the stereo and Manny takes center stage.

"One...two...three...four," yells Manny.

She's followed by a boisterous cheer and some more shimmying:

_He sponsored our sports teams, she brought a movie here,_

_And we just want you all to lend us your ears,_

_To let you know that if there's a fairytale that's in the makin',_

_It'd be Degrassi's definition of true love, Joey and Caitlin!_

They end with a loud "Wooo!" and lots of jumping around, high kicking everywhere. Toby stands up and applauds, then yanks up J.T. so he can applaud too. Manny flashes Toby a smile, while the other cheerleaders go over and receive hugs from Caitlin. Craig gives me a smile, and I stare down at my shoes, turning more red.

Ms. Hatzilakos stands behind a microphone and hushes the cheering crowd.

"I personally want to wish Mr. Jeremiah and his bride-to-be my sincerest best wishes," she says. "And a round of congratulations to Mr. Simpson, Emma Nelson, student body president, and Manny Santos, captain of the Spirit Squad, for pulling that off without my knowledge."

Emma gives Manny a high five as the audience laughs.

"Well, I'm all for celebrations, and I'm extremely excited that our own Degrassi varsity softball team, the champion Panthers...," begins Ms. Hatzilakos.

She's interrupted by thunderous applause and lots of shouting. I decide to tune her out and finally get the courage to look at Craig.

"You do know I want us to talk, right?" I say.

Craig nods. "I want to talk to...but of course, you knew that...sorry."

"So let's pick a time and a place," I say. "I mean, you can."

"Oh! Ummm...today? After the rally?"

I nod excitedly. "Today."

"You know where they're going for their honeymoon?" asks Craig.

"No...where?"

"Europe. They're doing a two-week tour."

"Wow. Well, I know some decent hotels in London."

"Hotels? I thought that was our thing."

My mouth drops open, and he winks.

"I better start writing," I say, and I know my face has reached its full redness.

Craig pats my knee and makes his way down the bleachers. I wish we had talked right then, but it was so loud and crowded. I just wanted to be with him in a quiet room, to hear everything and collect my thoughts. I jot down a few notes, not really thinking about how the article will turn out. Who cares? My heart does a silent cheer as tons of strands of blue ribbon fly over our heads across the gym.


	7. From Me To You

VII. From Me To You

_If there's anything that you want,  
If there's anything I can do,  
Just call on me and I'll send it along with love from me to you.  
I've got ev'rything that you want,  
Like a heart that's oh so true,  
Just call on me and I'll send it along,  
With love from me to you.  
I got arms that long to hold you,  
And keep you by my side,  
I got lips that long to kiss you,  
And keep you satisfied.  
If there's anything that you want,  
If there's anything I can do,  
Just call on me and I'll send it along,  
With love from me to you.  
Just call on me and I'll send it along,  
With love from me to you.  
I got arms that long to hold you,  
And keep you by my side,  
I got lips that long to kiss you,  
And keep you satisfied._

I keep going up and down the driveway, staring at Angie's roller blades, the mailbox, an oil stain on the pavement. It hadn't taken that long to get here, about a fifteen minute walk, but it seemed like forever, and here I am, prolonging it. Before, it was so much easier, a quick hello to Joey or a hug to Angie, and then swoop, I'm in, and go into the garage to see him. But now, I can't even ring the doorbell.

It turns out I don't have to. Craig opens the door, a little smile on his face. I stop mid-pace and look down, then advance to the door.

"You have a long driveway," I say, probably the most idiotic thing to come out of my mouth.

I walk into the foyer and glance around the room. Everything looked pretty much the same, except that there were boxes in the middle of the living room, and lots of paper is strewn about the tabletop. Actually being in the house made me feel a lot more comfortable.

Craig points to the staircase. "I've been sitting there for about ten minutes...looking through the window."

I bite my lip. "So you saw me looking like a fool?"

"Actually, I thought it was cute the first hundred times, then I just felt bad," says Craig.

I give him a playful shove, then walk into the living room. I'm not sure whether to sit or stand, but Craig takes my hand and leads me to the couch. Touching his body sends a sharp thrill up my spine, but it doesn't last long because he lets my hand go as soon as we sit. Craig whistles while I twiddle my fingers.

"I...," we both say at the same time, then look away.

"You first," I encourage him.

"Um...well, I'm Joey's best man," says Craig. "I'm giving a toast."

"You! Not Snake? That's wonderful, Craig," I reply.

"Yeah...yeah, I was surprised," says Craig. "But I'm a songwriter...not a toast writer, or whatever that's called."

I shrug. "Joey won't care. Just speak from your heart."

He smiles at me, and I shyly look at the mantle. Getting up from the sofa, I walk over to the fireplace, where there's lots of pictures of Joey and Caitlin. They kiss under a mistletoe, cheer at a hockey game, stand by Angie as she holds a certificate. Craig wouldn't have a problem finding the right words for them: soulmates, dreamers, perfection. It's the kind of lovey dovey speak people pretend to hate, but secretly like, if it comes from the right person. What if I spoke from my heart? I know I will cry. It would be difficult, but this might be my last chance to make it right. But what if that was it? Maybe he wouldn't want to hear it, and I'd never see him after we said a polite good-bye and he closed the door behind me. He deserves to know, though.

"Craig, I made this huge mistake," I say, staring at him, a couple of tears falling.

Craig immediately tries to comfort me, because that's who he is, but I just lightly push him away.

"No, please," I say.

Craig sits back down on the couch, eyeing me with concern.

"I really had trouble seeing you before I left. I mean, not seeing, but seeing you the same. It was so hard for me to see you so weak and scared after the wedding. I felt like I had to bring you out of it, make you happy, so I suggested the support group, which I know was wrong but..."

"I liked group," interrupts Craig. "It really helped, Ash. Really."

"The only reason that I walked on eggshells was because I couldn't stand being the one to disappoint you," I say, wiping tears away. "And then it got to be too much. Then I heard you ran away and I felt paralyzed. I didn't...I didn't know what to do. I just had to stay and not think about it. But that's all I thought about, for weeks."

Craig rose from the couch, and wouldn't let me push him away this time. He puts his arms around my waist and forces me to look at him.

"That was a dumb choice I made," he whispers calmly.

"It was my fault!"

"No...no, it wasn't Ash."

He shushes me and holds me tightly to his chest. My heart is racing, while his is beating normally. I remember when he was first diagnosed, in the hospital, and I could feel his heart racing before they took him in for tests. I gave him a quick squeeze before he went in, but this was no quick squeeze. This was a hug that went on for awhile, that I wanted to keep going. I'm ashamed that my tears are falling on his leather jacket, but not ashamed to be held like I was with Ali.

Ali. I didn't even know what to say about him.

"I kept looking for distractions," I say, sniffling. "Umm...work...then it was traveling...then someone. This other guy came along, and just another...well, distraction."

Craig lets me go at this point, and turns his back to me. It was starting, the bad. But then he turns around and gives me a confused look.

"Were you happy with him?" he asks rather quickly, so quick that I'm stunned.

"I thought I would be...but...but no. I wanted to be here," I answer, somehow finding the words.

"Because I wasn't happy, Ashley. Not for a long time."

I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. The words are gone.

"I dated Manny because she was there, and so supportive, and I hurt her pretty badly because I felt so closed off," says Craig.

That was me, the horrible person that made his heart shut off, and it was such a huge heart. A lump forms in my throat.

"Then El...I just needed someone who understood. I still care for her a lot."

I nod, feeling a pounding in my head. This had been a mistake, a colossal mistake. My hands start shaking.

"Ummm, I...I,"I stammer, and start to head for the door.

"Ashley, stop," exclaims Craig, blocking my path.

I can't even look him in the eye anymore, and focus on the arm of the couch. The weirdest memory comes into my mind, making out with him here, before we found out Snake had cancer, a good time before bad news. We were talking about how we were going to spend the weekend, something so simple and sweet. I felt like more bad news was coming, news that would shatter me. All he had to do was say I really want to be with Ellie, but have some type of closure with you.

"My intention wasn't to make you cry, Ash," he says softly. "I never would've invited you over if I thought it would make you feel bad."

"I can't look at you sometimes and not feel bad," I say, my eyes burning.

"You know what I really hated before I left?"

I shook my head.

"I hated how I felt to be in a room with you, Jimmy, and Ellie, and not talk to you a lot. That was terrible. You're the one girl I get."

I smile a little at that, but then stop it, because it felt a little bit guilty doing so.

"Even when you didn't understand me or see me, I always understood and saw you. I may not have talked to you with us four being together, but I wanted too...so badly."

Shaking, I put my hand on one side of Craig's face, and give him a kiss on the cheek, just brushing his skin with my lips. He looks startled, but grins.

"I'm so...I'm so sorry, Craig," I whisper.

"Let's talk some more," offers Craig, again taking my hand and trying to lead me to the couch.

I break away, sad to be doing it, but feeling that it might be right. Craig sighs.

"I didn't know I broke your heart so much," I say.

"You're the one I wrote songs for, the only one. But it's weird because...I still want to write them about you. Is that weird?"

"I don't know," I say, feeling my heart lift a bit.

Craig looks around nervously. "I don't want to make you cry anymore, Ashley. So if you have to leave..."

Nodding, I head for the door and into the foyer. Still, he takes my hand and we walk, down the long driveway, and for the first time that day, it feels too short.

"Next time, it won't hurt so much," I say. "Next time, if there's one."

Craig shakes his head, and squeezes my hand.

"Next time can't come soon enough," he replies. "I'll wait. I did it before."


	8. I Don't Want To Spoil The Party

VIII. I Don't Want To Spoil The Party

_I don't want to spoil the party so I'll go,  
I would hate for my disappointment to show,  
There's nothing for me here so I will disappear,  
If she turns up while I'm gone please let me know.  
I've had a drink or two and I don't care,  
There's no fun in what I do if she's not there,  
I wonder what went wrong I've waited far too long,  
I think I'll take a walk and look for her.  
Though tonight she's made me sad,  
I still love her.  
If I find her I'll be glad,  
I still love her.  
_

Laying down in my bed in the darkness, I hear the alarm go off. It's six-thirty and I've been in bed ever since I came home from Craig's, about two hours ago. My body is sweating underneath the comforter, and I throw it off. In my head, I keep thinking if it was worth it, to totally let the contents of my mind spill out like that, to show Craig how much guilt had been building up. In my heart, I know it was right. In my gut, I'm still not sure. The next time I saw him, it would be so strange, even stranger than the first. Still, there was so much to make my heart skip beats– him holding me, taking my hand all those times, telling me I was the one he wanted to write songs for. I believe the gamble paid off in some small way. But it still hurt to know I caused him so much pain and that he cares for Ellie. Cares in what way? Like a friend? Like a girl you can't get over? I sigh and throw my head against a pillow.

I hear my door open slightly and someone throws on the light.

"This isn't the bathroom," says a confused, familiar voice.

I sit up, rub my eyes, and see Manny, dressed in a beautiful silk lavender gown, hair piled in a nice chignon with a few silver clips..

"Manny?" I say.

"Oh...sorry," replies Manny. "It was dark in the hallway and I turned the wrong knob..."

"It's okay."

Manny gives me a puzzled look. "Are you sick?"

I check my face in a small mirror next to my bed. My hair looks horrible, and droplets of sweat cover my face.

"No, I'm fine," I say, shaking my head.

Manny nods, begins to exit, but then comes back in, and nervously sits at a chair near my desk. Her gown rustles behind her. This day was getting more and more odd, but she appeared frightened enough already. I try to give her my warmest smile.

"Ummm...Ashley?"

"Yeah?"

"I know...our history is pretty bad, but I've grown up a lot in the last year. I mean, I don't dress the same or act the same. I'm definitely a lot more careful...and right now, happier."

I take a deep breath. This wasn't the Manny I was used to, talking about boys or cute clothes or the latest gossip. This was serious Manny, a little scared, but also pretty bold.

"This has to do with Toby," I say, nonchalantly.

"Well, yeah," says Manny, and her dimples come out in full force. "I want to clear the air, so we can be okay. I mean, so you and me can be okay."

"Toby and you are happy. Who am I to judge?"

Manny gives me a relieved smile and rises from the chair. Then, her face becomes tight and nervous again.

"Don't tell him we talked, okay?"

"Sure," I say, shrugging.

"So...do you need a ride to semi-formal? We're sharing a limo with J.T. and Liberty, Peter and Em, and Danny. Oh, and Jimmy and some mystery date. He won't tell us who it is. There's plenty of room though, unless Jimmy's date is the size of King Kong."

I never planned on actually going to semi-formal, especially now that I had just unloaded all of that weight from my shoulders. There was only one person I wanted to dance with anyway. Opening up the drawer of my nightstand, I fetch Peter's camera and hand it to her.

"Take a lot of pictures," I say. "I'm just going to chill tonight."

"Okay," says Manny. "At least come out and see us off. It's not often you get to see Toby in a tux."

I laugh. "True."

Following Manny in my sweatpants and T-shirt, I feel like such a slob. Still, it's only Mom, Toby, and Jeff. Turning the corner, I see that I'm wrong. Peter, Emma, J.T., Liberty, Danny, and Jimmy were all seated in various parts of the room.

"Great," I mumble.

"She awoke from the dead," says Toby. "And looks it."

"Don't make me stab you with a corsage pin," I snap back, trying my best to smooth down my hair.

"If only the dead looked that beautiful," speaks up Jimmy.

I flash Jimmy a quick smile, and catch my Mom giving an approving grin from the corner of my eye. Ugh. Hopefully, his date shows up before Mom gets any ideas.

"So why is the cavalry here?" I say.

"Oh, just doing the standard before-the-dance photo sessions," chirps Mom. "There was no way I was missing my two favorite add-on sons' big night."

She glances at J.T., dressed in a cute powder blue tux, and Jimmy, sharp as ever in a black suit with a blue tie. They had been coming over our house since forever, but now they looked so grown up. Liberty wore a gorgeous white dress with a puffy skirt, her hair long and straight. Emma wore a green, strapless dress, her blonde hair in thick waves. Peter kept it simple, a tux and a white bow tie. Danny was Danny, a thick afro covering his entire head, and a orange suit with a ruffled shirt. He looks like he wandered out of a disco.

But Toby looks totally unlike himself, a royal purple tie to match Manny's dress, and a clean, nicely tailored tux and polished black shoes. He's not even wearing his glasses. Jeff gives him a wink as he makes a move to put on Manny's corsage.

"Stop," orders Mom. "Let's all do it together."

"Mom," says Toby in an annoyed voice.

Everyone stands up and the other boys start pulling out corsage boxes, except for Danny, who pulls out an afro pick and starts combing his hair, and Jimmy, who gives me a brief grin and looks away. They all simultaneously put on the corsages, white roses, as Mom snaps picture after picture. Then, we get pictures of them all standing close together, the boys' arms wrapped around the girls' waists. I swear it was almost like a fashion magazine shoot, and I was some bum that wandered in. Jeff even wanders in with a video camera. I make a point to get behind him, so no can see me.

"So any final words before your last Degrassi dance?" asks Jeff, the lens of the camera covering his eye.

"I'm just lucky to be able to spend this night with a very special lady," says Toby.

Manny rubs his shoulder, then holds his arm.

"Awww," says Emma and Liberty in unison, and then they hit Peter and J.T. for not speaking at all.

Mom turns the camera on Jimmy and I, and I wave her away.

"No," I say. "I look putrid."

"Just one shot," prods Mom.

The doorbell sounds. Saved by the bell. I immediately rush over to open it, giving Mom a pointed glare. I open the door and see Hazel, dressed in a beautiful, one-shoulder beige gown, her hair in a high ponytail.

"Hazel," I exclaim, giving her a small hug. "Come in."

Hazel laughs. "Hey everyone!"

Everyone greets her, while Jimmy rolls over to where she is. She bends down and kisses him on the lips.

"Thanks for coming, Aden," says Jimmy. "You're stunning as always."

"Wouldn't have missed it, Brooks," replies Hazel.

I give Mom a triumphant smile and cross my arms. Her face gets tight.

A horn honks from outside.

"Well, you guys better go," says Jeff. "The limo van's here."

The group starts filing out, the boys taking the arms of their dates. My only date tonight would be ice cream, and maybe we'd share a movie together.

"Ashley, we can give you a ride later," says Jeff. "I know you were exhausted, but you should only miss thirty minutes of the dance at the most."

I shake my head. "Not going," I say.

Mom opens her mouth to speak, but I quickly say, "Please leave it alone."

Mom and Jeff look at me, and go outside while the driver helps Jimmy's chair onto a ramp. Manny gives me a sweet little wave, and I wave back. I can't believe things can change so much in two years, but then again, we are growing up.

Retreating to my room, I start picking through my DVDs. Too many love stories. I sigh, and then hear a light tapping on my window. I assume it's a branch because it's windy tonight. Then I hear two more taps, more urgent and one right after the other. I walk over to the window and look down. Craig is in our backyard, fetching what I guess are pebbles from Mom's vegetable garden. I pop open the window and watch him hunt, my chest fluttering at the sight. I recognize the suit he's wearing, the one he wore to my dad's wedding. Craig peers up for a second, sees me, stands straight, and brushes off his hands.

"Just when I ran out of ammunition," he says.

"What are you doing?" I say.

"Throwing rocks...er, pebbles, at your window. The idea was probably more romantic than it looks right now. My butt knocked over a garden gnome. Did you see that?"

"No, but I can imagine. At least you didn't walk into a room of beautifully dressed prom goers in sweaty clothes and huge hair."

Craig nods. "Well, that just means you're going to have to make another appearance. Redeem yourself."

I give him a confused smile. "What are you...?"

"Let's crash the Degrassi semi-formal."

"No way," I say. "I'm totally gross and mopey and..."

Craig comes over so he's directly under my window. I can already find myself getting weak in the knees. Stupid romantic DVDs and their influence.

"And you're going," says Craig confidently. "You're only mopey because of me, and I won't let you be all funky and sad if I can help it. We've been sad for long enough, especially you. I said I'd wait, but I can't wait knowing you're crying. So shower and get dressed."

"Craig..."

A couple crickets chirp as I hear the limo speed away. We both watch it go off.

"I'll serenade you with Devil In The Moon, car wash version," teases Craig. "The crickets would make a horrifying back-up band."

"Cruel and unusual punishment," I say, shuddering.

I really did want to go, and it wasn't just because this was one of the sweetest things Craig had ever done. I love that he can't stand the fact that I'm sad, like when he ran out of that studio for me, to tell me that we should give it another go. I didn't need much encouragement then, and I didn't need it now.

"I could be convinced with a corsage," I say, nodding towards the roses next to the vegetable garden.

Craig immediately goes over and takes a red rose from a bush. He throws it up and I catch it.

"I love it," I say, beaming. "Fix the gnome and I'll get dressed."


	9. I'm Happy Just to Dance With You

IX.. I'm Happy Just to Dance With You

_Before this dance is through,  
I think I'll love you too,  
I'm so happy when you dance with me.  
I don't wanna kiss or hold your hand,  
If it's funny, try an' understand.  
There is nothing else I'd rather do,  
'Cos I'm happy just to dance with you.  
I don't need to hug or hold you tight,  
I just wanna dance with you all night,  
In this world there's nothing I would rather do,  
'Cos I'm happy just to dance with you.  
_

The music blasts throughout the entire auditorium, notes bouncing off the walls, filling our ears. I hadn't been to a semi-formal in two years, and even then, I was with Craig or I was alone. I'm happy I'm not alone tonight, sitting alone in a corner, making a mental note about how today's youth didn't know good music when they heard it. Tonight, I don't care, as girls swoop by in gowns, glitter, and high heels, and guys fix ties, cufflinks, and gelled hair. Even Snake has glammed up, in a crisp, brown suit with a golden tie. He spins records, records I'm sure Emma helped him pick out because they were actually up to date. The entire room is decked in gold balloons, white streamers, and silver and gold fringe. On the table, scattered around, is clapboard and film roll confetti, an ice sculpture of a movie camera, punch, and cookies shaped like palm trees. Above the table is a banner: "Degrassi's Class of 2007: Stars of Tomorrow."

Craig and I glance at each other, then enter. We didn't talk on the way there, but when he opened the door and saw me in my dress, he gave me an approving nod which was as satisfying as any words that could come out of his mouth. It was a simple dress, long and peach, with a few sequins on the bodice, nothing showy. It was all I had. But he seemed to like it, and finally said so.

"Well, you're definitely the prettiest girl here," says Craig, as we head for the center of the room.

"Thank you," I say. "Next to these other girls, I feel a bit naked."

Craig eyes me mischievously. "Really?"

"Shut up," I say, looking away and smiling.

"So what's the theme?" asks Craig, coyly changing the subject.

"Hollywood Heaven," I say. "Manny's idea, I believe."

Craig and I reach the center of the floor. Spinner and Darcy are dancing to some hip-hop song, and Darcy gives Spinner a confused look as he flails his arms around.

"Spin...Spin," she yells over the music. "Just...just find the beat, baby."

Spinner attempts to moonwalk, and bumps into another guy's back. "Oops...sorry, man."

Darcy claps her hands to the rhythm. "We do this in cheerleading...one and a two and a three."

Spinner still doesn't seem to get it, and shrugs. He gives Craig a high five, and Darcy shakes her head at me.

"You totally stole that move from Jimmy," observes Craig.

"He could only steal it if it was done well," whispers Darcy in a volume I only can hear.

"So either you're here escorting Elvira or you're checking out the underage hotties?" says Spin, straightening his jacket.

"I'm with Ash," says Craig, draping his arm around me. "This is her night."

I blush and grin at Spinner, and surprisingly there are no comebacks. He shakes Craig's hand.

"Just have her home by a decent hour, eh, Manning?" says Spinner. "And no hanky-panky on the car ride home, right, Darcy?"

"Spin, you can say sex in front of me," says Darcy, rolling her eyes. "I'm not a nun."

"Yes, Sister Darcy," affirms Spinner. "Let's go get you some cookies."

"Not too many. Reducing my carbs."

"You girls and your Zen diets."

"Zone, Spin."

Spinner and Darcy head for the snack table, while Craig and I survey the room. We're the only two people not dancing to a slow, guitar-heavy ballad. In the corner of my eye, I spot Toby and Manny dancing cheek-to-cheek, the top of her chignon pushing up his glasses. His eyes are closed, definitely savoring the moment. Peter and Emma are talking animatedly in a corner, with him lifting the left flap of his jacket now and then. Jimmy and Hazel, holding hands, are chatting with Snake. Everyone was doing something, except us.

"So?" I say, nervously.

"So...you choose what we get to do first. It is your prom after all," replies Craig.

"But didn't you miss yours last year?"

"I did, but the one person I wanted to dance with was across the pond," says Craig, smiling. "So it was no huge loss."

I take his hand and put it on my waist. "What if we pretend it's both our nights?"

Craig guides my hands to his shoulders. "I'm definitely okay with that."

We dance slowly, under the silver lights of the spotlights in the gym, to the strings of a stranger's guitar. It feels as right as it did in the club we went to, the night Craig proposed. It was all a little crazy then, but now it's peaceful, sweet, perfect.

"You look really good tonight, Craig," I say. "Very, very debonair."

"Thank you," says Craig.

"So, honestly how long did it take you to get ready?"

"Not long..."

I lightly pinch his shoulder. "Tell."

Craig sighs. "A couple hours. Did some breath checks, ironed the pants, Angie told me I looked like a wedding singer reject, that kind of thing."

"From what I heard, you made a pretty good wedding singer," I say.

Craig winks at me. "That never leaves this little space."

"Our little space," I say shyly, but proudly.

He holds me tighter, and looks into my eyes. I can't believe this is happening. A few days ago, I didn't think Craig would ever be here, or that he would forgive me, or that he'd even be thinking about me. But why should I have doubted it? Haven't we always been drawn to each other? Haven't we wound up in the same places without planning it– the record store, the hallway, graduation? It's like the room parts for us, knows we're looking for one another, no matter who's there or what the event is. I'm so thankful for these moments, and I wouldn't share them with anyone else.

"This space is getting pretty crowded," I say, as a pair of couples inch closer to us.

"I know a better one," whispers Craig, and we do a quick jog outside the auditorium, pretty difficult in my heels.

We stop and catch a breath, and we're in a dark hallway, a sliver of moonlight coming in through a window above. Craig turns me around and situates my body in a little spot of light, then brushes my hair back. It's the first time he's touched my hair since it was long. I feel glued to the floor as he stares at me.

"What is this, Craig," I ask.

"You don't remember?" he says, and he sounds a bit hurt.

I don't want him to be hurt, but I honestly don't know what to say. I glance around, at the lockers, at a few advertisements for the dance, at the water fountain.

"Sorry," I say.

"This is where I kissed you," recalls Craig. "You told me that you just had to look at me, and everything would be fine, and I kissed you."

I take a step back and stare at the spot. It was the spot, the spot where Craig awoke my senses, started the hesitations and finally, rekindled everything that made me fall for him in the first place. It wasn't easy, but it seemed so easy in that moment. I didn't speak then, because it was scary, because it was enthralling.

"I can't believe you remembered where..."

"I remember because this was the beginning of everything good after the bad stuff," assures Craig. "So I don't know...maybe we can just erase the bad and focus on the good, at least tonight. Cause there was a lot of good, Ash."

Craig, always the romantic, always the optimist. I step back until my back hits the lockers. He stares at me expectantly, and I know I have to say something.

"Craig, freshmen year, when you and I danced...that was the beginning of something special for me. No other guy looked at me the way you did, and liked what they saw. Then, junior year, I looked at you from across the stage when we were performing, and I knew that was it. That was when I wanted to start this whole new experience in England. But I feel like both those beginnings got tarnished somehow, you know? And not because of Manny or you or me...it just didn't come out right so..."

Craig shakes his head. "I can't guarantee it'll be all right. I just want us to start fresh."

"But that's the thing. I don't want to erase the bad. I want to learn from it, and...and keep going, I guess. I don't want to forget that I forgave you and you forgave me. I don't want to forget what it took to get here."

I'm not sure if my speech made sense as Craig's face falls for a second. It sounded weird to me as well, but Craig, keeping true to his word that I was the only "girl he got", rubs my shoulder and smiles.

"We don't need this for everything to be okay," he agrees.

"I like our history," I say, stepping forward. "No matter how strange it is."

"To history," whispers Craig, tilting my chin and moving in for a kiss.

I close my eyes, but feel something light and sharp jab my arm. I turn my face and Craig kisses the air next to my cheek. He looks up, disappointed, and we both stare down at a green cell phone. Manny walks briskly away from Toby, her face flushed. I guess she'd thrown it.

"I picked it up, Toby! It was her," yells Manny, cutting through us. "Sorry about the phone assault, Ash.I just threw it. I...I...I just didn't want to look at that phone anymore!."

Toby jogs next to her. "She was just wishing me a happy graduation. I haven't talked to her in two years. Ashley, tell her."

"What?" I say, wishing that they'd leave already.

"She's not even that cute...really," chirps Manny.

Toby grabs my arm and we follow Manny out. I look back, sorry to leave Craig for even a minute, the moonlight covering the curls on his head. I break out of Toby's hold and give him a stern stare.

"What's going on, Toby?" I demand.

"I was talking to J.T in the washroom. and my phone rang. She offered to hold it. But... Manny answered, and it...was Kendra. I had no idea she was going to call and now Manny's gone mental!."

I roll my eyes. "Toby, look, I'm sorry. But can't you do this on your own? Craig..."

"Oh, I see how it is," says Toby. "Because Craig's so much more important than your brother...well, stepbrother."

I glance behind me, and sigh. "Where is she? I'll talk to her."

Toby gives me a hug, which is weird because I don't think we've had a lot of hugs. Both of us feel instantly awkward and pull away.

"Uhhh...I'm going back in," says Toby. "Thanks, Ash."

It takes a couple minutes to find Manny, who is sitting on the hood of the limo van crying, the one they all drove off so happily in. I sit down next to her, the chrome hood of the car hurting my butt.

"Am I a total idiot?" asks Manny, unpinning her hair.

"No, you're just...," I begin.

"Everything was going so well. He came to my cheerleading tournament, my plays, walked with me to auditions. He liked my idea about Hollywood and made the Student Council consider it. I'd wait for him to get out of Student Council...I even watched his precious anime. And now she calls."

"They haven't spoken in forever, Manny."

Manny shakes her head. "I know, I know. I just had these flashbacks...to freshmen year, I guess."

Freshmen year? Craig.

"Prom is very much a flashback night," I say. "But just think of all the stuff you just told me. There's a lot of good times for you guys and..."

Suddenly, I realize I'm basically saying what Craig said before. I smile at the thought.

"He wore a purple tie for me...totally coordinated and cute," says Manny, wiping her tears. "He even danced to Drop It Like It's Hot for me."

"That's true love," I say.

We both laugh.

"We all get scared, Manny," I say. "We just have to jump in sometimes, I suppose."

"Yeah, Kendra's not here, and I am," says Manny confidently. "And I owe Toby an apology."

We slide off the car and lock arms, then head for the auditorium.

"It's funny," says Manny as we reach the door. "Two years ago, I felt bad and danced with him, then pushed him away.. Now he's the only one I want to dance with."

"I know the feeling," I say.


	10. Step Inside Love

X. Step Inside Love

_Step inside love and stay,  
Step inside love.  
Step inside love.   
Step inside love.  
I want you to stay.  
You look tired, love,  
let me turn down the light.  
Come in out of the cold,   
rest your head on my shoulder  
and kiss me tonight.  
We are together now  
and forever, come my way.  
Step inside love and stay,  
step inside love,  
step inside love,  
step inside love,  
I want you to stay._

The room is brighter when we enter again, and I can see Snake and Ms. Hatzilakos shuffle through some small slips of paper. Craig's not hard to find. He's staring forlornly down at the punch bowl, and I hurry through the crowd to get to him.

"Crisis averted," I say, giving him an apologetic smile.

"This punch is so spiked," comments Craig, returning the smile.

I laugh. "My guess is Peter," I say.

"Nope," says a voice behind me. "It was me."

We both turn and see Danny. He and Peter exchange a handshake, Emma and Liberty looking on, none too pleased.

"Gin from my dad's private stock," explains Peter. "Just schooling Danny on the ways of the rebel before I leave."

"You are so grounded," scolds Liberty. "I'm going to..."

"Yeah, and I'll just tell Dad about your little trip to the boys' locker room with J.T. earlier tonight," retorts Danny.

Liberty purses her lips, folds her arms, and walks away. Danny guffaws, while Emma hits Peter upside the head. Meanwhile, Craig hands me something..

"Toby's cell phone," he says.

I put it in my purse. "No more interruptions. I promise," I say.

Craig's face lights up and he leads me out onto the dance floor again. But the music stops, and Snake taps the microphone a couple times. This action is met with a chorus of groans and boos. I'm tempted to boo myself, though I've never done it before.

"Trust me, trust me," says Snake, light-heartedly. "You'll want to stop for this. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to announce this year's King and Queen of Hollywood."

Everyone cheers loudly, while Craig and I just politely clap. Ms. Hatzilakos hands one sheet of paper to Snake, and Snake opens it. I notice a few girls grasping each other's arms excitedly, two of which include Darcy and Manny. I might be imagining it, but even Liberty looks a bit hopeful. Well, I guess if any of the guys fit the "King of Hollywood" title, J.T. did.

"And the King is Spinner Mason," yells Snake.

Darcy jumps up and down, the rustles on her cute black dress swinging to and fro. Jimmy whoops in the corner as Spinner strides to the stage.

"Who da man," yells Spinner. "Who is da man!"

Ms. Hatzilakos fits the crown on Spinner's head and hands him a pair of sunglasses. Then, she hands Snake another piece of paper. Spinner puts on the sunglasses and stares at Darcy. Darcy steps forward, wringing her hands in anticipation.

"And our Queen of Hollywood is...Emma Nelson," says Snake, his eyebrows arching up high.

"Emma Nelson?" repeated Liberty in disbelief.

"Emma Nelson," says Emma, looking around flabbergasted. "I...am Emma. I'm Emma Nelson, Manny!"

Manny squeals. "Get up there, Emma Nelson!"

Peter pushes her towards the stage, getting the audience to clap for her. Darcy stares at Emma, her mouth agape. Toby pats Emma on the back, while Manny gives her a sideways hug. Spinner shrugs at Darcy as Emma's tiara is perched atop her head, and she gets her own cute pair of sunglasses..

"Yay Emma!" yells a voice from the crowd and she receives a couple cat calls from the audience.

Snake kisses Emma on the forehead, and ushers Spinner and Emma out onto the floor.

"Now, we'll have the royal dance, which will also be our last dance. So find that special person and cut a rug."

Spinner and Emma look at each other awkwardly as he puts a hand on her waist. Darcy has a fixed gaze on the two of them, her lips curling a little. Peter doesn't seem to like it either, and downs a cup of the tainted punch. The music begins, and Craig gives me a knowing glance.

_Through the mud and the dirt, through the tears and the hurt, it seared and it burned and I died, through the mud and the dirt, through the tears and the hurt, it seared and it burned and I died..._

"You...are...so devious," I say, slapping him on the back.

"I had Ellie tape it while we were performing for Kevin Smith," confesses Craig, chuckling. "I listened to it that whole summer. Snake liked it so much he must've got a copy."

_There was nothing at all, no, nothing at all, there was only a dream of you...(only a dream of you)..._

"The counterpoint still sounds sharp," I comment, dragging Craig to the floor.

"I like the lead singer," says Craig, starting to dance and winking at me.

"Our very own bootleg," I say.

He twirls me around, and I bump into his chest. Our noses touch. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Emma doing the cabbage patch in front of an impressed Spinner. Then, my eyes focus solely on Craig, his soulful eyes, then his lips moving closer to mine. Our lips come together, and the chords of the song and the feel of his body flow through my body. My hands find the sides of his face and our kiss grows deeper, and for the first time today, I don't feel shy. His arms wrap around my back, then we pull away and smile, him looking down at me.

"Let's hear it for our two musicians," yells Snake, pointing to us.

Suddenly, everyone's around us in a circle, clapping to the music, even Spinner and Emma who broke out of their dance.

"_There was nothing at all...only a dream of you_," sings Manny, clapping to the beat, getting Toby and J.T. to sing along.

"_Only a dream of you_," sings Spinner to Darcy, way off-key, but in a way that gets Darcy to giggle and stare at him warmly.

So embarrassed. I hide my head in Craig's chest. Craig laughs and strokes my hair. As off-key and random as it is, I can't help but smile. It was such a far cry from our first semi-formal, when I felt so alone and Craig had to make me limbo in my goth luau skirt. Now, I feel the warmth radiating across the gym, the encouragement of everyone. I had friends wishing me well, friends I never thought would be friends, and for that moment, I'm with Craig, someone I never thought would give me another chance.

"Am I turning red?" I whisper to Craig.

"Not yet," replies Craig.

"Woooo!" yells Spinner. "Looks like Kerwin and Manning are going to have their own little after party!"

I drop my eyes.

"Okay, now you are," says Craig.

Craig fetches a key from under the doormat and slips it into the door of his house. He puts his finger to his lips, then we both slide into the foyer. Earlier that day, I had been crying, regretting, wishing I knew what to say. Now, I can't stop smiling. It's dark, and I almost trip over a step. Craig flicks on a lamp, and we see a bundled up Angie sleeping on the couch.

"Turn off the light," murmurs Angie, trying to pull the blanket over her face.

"Why aren't you upstairs?" questions Craig.

Hearing Craig's voice, Angie instantly sits up and rubs her eyes. She sees me, then rushes over and gives me a hug.

"Ash!"exclaims Angie. "You said yes. I knew you would say yes. Craig said he was going to the dance, and I knew he would find you, and I knew you guys would end up together, and I knew..."

"Ang," interrupts Craig. "Um...do you happen to know where Joey and Caitlin are?"

"Yeah...they're watching a movie upstairs,"answers Angie. "Are you guys going to start necking and stuff?"

Craig rolls his eyes. "Angie, why don't you go upstairs?"

"I wanted to hear about the dance," complains Angie. "I don't get to go to one for awhile."

"I'll tell you tomorrow," promises Craig.

"And you'll tell everything?" she says, grinning at me.

"I'll tell you what I feel like," answers Craig, guiding her up the steps. "Go to bed."

Angie grumbles, and runs up the stairs.

"She's so cute," I say, taking a seat on the couch and instinctively folding her blanket.

Craig takes the blanket from my hands and throws it on the floor.

"She's an obstacle that had to be gotten rid of," says Craig, heading over to a desk with several books on it.

He sits down on the couch next to me and hands me a large book with a green cover. He doesn't say anything, but I open it, and leaf through a couple pages. I see a wide variety of pictures, Craig posing with guys in suits who I guess are music producers or executives, signing autographs for kids our age, being presented with a plaque. I stop at the plaque picture.

"You won an award?" I ask.

"Yeah, just some thing for Best New Artist from an indie label," explains Craig. "They had a cake for me. I like cake."

"I remember," I say, giggling. "I really wish I was there."

"For the cake?" says Craig.

"No, for you," I say, kissing his cheek.

The light flickers suddenly, but then remains off. I turn to see Joey in the doorway.

"Sorry, guys...I didn't...hey, Ashley," says Joey, an amused look on his face.

"I so need my own apartment," whispers Craig.

Joey pats Craig on the back. "What a pleasant surprise to see you here..._Ashley_," he says, giving Craig a sly grin.

"Joey, weren't you watching one of your lame eighties movies...you know, the ones with the guys with mullets and bad acne," says Craig, closing the scrapbook.

"Is he out here showing you those pictures, trying to worm your way back into his affections?" asks Joey, shaking his head at me.

"He doesn't have to worm," I say, patting Craig's knee. "His affections are very much welcome."

"I used to show girls my car," reminisces Joey. "But that's small potatoes when you're recording an album, I guess."

"You can leave now," says Craig persistently.

Joey laughs. "Alright, I know the deal. Nice to see you, Ashley. And Craig, this was on the kitchen table. Watch where you put it."

He hands Craig a beeper, then gives a very fake yawn before heading upstairs.

"Beeper from my manager," says Craig. "It's so annoying. I don't want to worry about that stuff when there's so much going on here."

I frown. "So...you're heading back after the wedding?"

"Well...yeah. I mean, I only have three weeks off."

Rising from the couch, I cross my arms. I didn't want him to leave so soon.

"I'd love for you to come visit me," says Craig. "And maybe...come to the wedding? No pressure, though."

I turn back around. "Really?"

"Definitely."

Craig gets up from the couch, and kisses me again. He starts to kiss my neck, and I let my arms fall to the side. Suddenly, I hear a piercing beep and we break apart. Sighing, Craig looks down at the beeper.

"I hate technology," moans Craig. "Oh!"

I see Craig take a deep breath, a worried expression frozen on his face.

"Your manager?" I ask.

"No...Ellie."

Looking down, I see that, yes, it's indeed Ellie's number. There's also small text: Plz come quick.

"Ash...it doesn't look good. I mean, Ellie usually doesn't use this number."

I can't help but think, well, what number does she use and how often? But this wasn't the time to be selfish. I'd been selfish before, and I couldn't bare the thought of Ellie being stuck somewhere without help.

"Call her," I say.

"But..."

"Call her, Craig," I insist.

Craig gives me a small peck on the lips and disappears into the kitchen. For a few minutes, I go back to folding Angie's blanket, then straightening the books on the table, then picking at a loose seam on my dress. I try to think of happy things—Craig coming to my window, the kiss on the dance floor, everyone jamming to our song. I remember saying that there was no place like Degrassi last year, and that was so true. Nowhere else felt as safe and warm; no one but Craig made me feel the exact same way.

Flicking on the light switch, Craig comes back into the room. I notice that he has his car keys out.

"Is she okay?" I ask.

Craig looks down. "No."

"Should I...should I come?"

Craig won't look me in the eye. "It's complicated...I just have to go."

"Oh."

I pull at my skirt and pick up my purse. Craig walks over, and gives me a hug. I have no idea what's going on, but return the hug with both arms. I don't know why, but it feels really strange, like I won't see him for awhile. Grasping him tighter, tears start to line my eyes.

"Are you okay?" he says, staring at my face.

"Yeah...it's just glitter."

"I'll be gone for a couple days...I gotta call Joey...I just have to leave. Um, do you think your Mom could pick you up?"

"Yeah...yeah, I'll call her. Just...go."

Craig kisses my forehead, grabs his leather jacket, and races out of the door.

"Goodbye," I say, as the door slams shut.


	11. Ask Me Why

XI. Ask Me Why

_I love you,  
Can't you tell me things I want to know?  
And it's true that it really only goes to show  
That I know that I-I-I-I should never, never, never be blue.  
Now you're mine,  
My happiness still makes me cry.  
And in time you'll understand the reasons why  
If I cry it's not because I'm sad  
But you're the only love that I've ever had.  
I can't believe it's happened to me.  
I can't conceive of any more misery.  
Ask me why  
I'll say I love you and I'm always thinking of you_.

I hear the hum of a car pulling into Craig's driveway, and look through the peephole. Mom. She just sits there awhile, pretends to check her hair in the rear view mirror, taps the steering wheel a couple times, then opens the door. I don't want her to bother Joey, so I open the door and meet her face to face. She sighs, shakes her head, and points to the car. I move past her, feeling a waft of cold night air. It had to be around one-thirty. We drive for around five minutes before she says anything. I'm not even really thinking about her or about being in this car. I'm thinking of another car, the one that's carrying Craig to Ellie. He didn't even really say good-bye. Maybe I wasn't worth a good-bye. Maybe the good parts of tonight were just some dream.

"One-thirty, Ash," mumbles Mom. "One-thirty!"

"I know, Mom," I say.

"You just took off after leaving some cryptic note on the fridge...of course, just saying you were going to the dance, but not with who. You shut your cell off. Luckily, Toby had his, though I had a hard time reaching him for about an hour."

I shrug. "Mom, I'm really tired."

"Why wasn't he there? Why couldn't he have taken you home, or at least faced me like a mature young man?"

"Because he didn't want to face the firing squad," I whisper under my breath.

Mom exhales deeply, and I'm sure she at least caught the last two words. I play with my seat belt, then keep my eyes on the glove compartment.

"He's...helping a friend," I admit. "Because he's a good guy."

"If he's just helping a friend, then why do you look so troubled?" asks Mom.

I glance at her quickly, then look away. I know that she knew she had touched a nerve.

"Is this friend a girl?" prods Mom.

"Can we switch on the radio?" I say, turning a knob and listening to some country singer wail about her relationship blues.

She sings about how she's left with her guitar in some bar, thinking about where he's gone. The song was pretty bad, bland and one repetitive melody, but I lay my head against the window anyway, and let a couple tears fall.

"It's Ellie," I say.

I feel a hand, Mom's, stroke my hair as we pull in front of our house.

Hazel sneezes into some purple tissue paper, fanning her face, her red eyes looking up at me.

"This wedding...is going...to kill me," says Hazel, releasing another sneeze.

We're in the local nursery, surrounded by rows and bushes of flowers, making sure the arrangements are perfect for the wedding. I really didn't want to go, actually. I'd holed up in my room the entire weekend, trying to concentrate on my last final, Media Immersion, but really thinking about the night of semi-formal. But Paige had called, anxious to spend some time with me before she went back to Banting for a summer course. Apparently, she was the one that urged Hazel to go out with Jimmy, because Hazel had had a dry spell all year, even going so far as to drop Hazel off that night. Still, it was a nice gesture, and it seemed to be working as Jimmy and Hazel were attached at the hip from that very moment.

I wave to Jimmy, who is standing at the counter, talking to a cashier. He ushers me away and puts a finger to his lips.

"Umm, Hazel, let's get you away from the marigolds," I say, dragging her to the other girls.

Caitlin, Emma, Manny, Paige and Darcy are watching Demetria stuff a mock bouquet.

"I...I didn't want baby's breath," says Caitlin, giving Demetria a polite smile.

"It's filler...you like it with the other flowers. It mean you innocent...you are pure, aren't you?" replies Demetria.

"Um...I..."

"You deserve to wear the white dress, eh?" continues Demetria.

Caitlin plays with her ring a little, and scratches her head. Paige, noticing Caitlin's nervousness, grabs the bouquet and plucks out the baby breath, then replaces them with oleander.

"Grace over purity," she says. "Umm, Emma, why don't you take care of the floral centerpieces? You did that for homecoming, right?"

Emma nods. "Come on, Demetria. I...um, could use an extra hand."

Demetria, looking confused, follows Emma to the other side of the nursery.

"I like the baby's breath," mutters Darcy, as she and Manny follow Emma..

"You would," says Manny, yanking Darcy's ponytail.

"The sprinklers in here make me have to pee," says Darcy.

"TMI, Darcy...TMI."

Caitlin slaps a hand to her forehead. "I just keep telling myself...she's a friend of Joey...she's a friend of Joey's. Why is she a friend of Joey's?"

"Well, I have some awkward friends," says Paige, looking at Hazel at me.

I hit her with a piece of tissue paper. Hazel, too busy holding in her breath to respond, sits down in a nearby chair.

"It's nice having guy friends. I know Joey fixed Demetria's car once," says Caitlin.

"And they're nice for getting things off the top shelf, telling you what guys really think, and in Marco's case, suggesting good make-out movies. Then again, it's really hard to be friends with guys sometimes," says Paige, retrieving some carnations.

I lean on a wall besides Hazel, rubbing her back as she sneezes again.

"Tell me about it," says Caitlin. "Sometimes the friendship is just an excuse to get close. That's how it was with me and Joey."

"From lovers to friends to lovers," says Paige, presenting Caitlin with a beautiful bouquet. "My gift to you."

Lovers to friends to lovers. I stare down at my cell, anxious to dial his number. Why wasn't he calling? Why wasn't I calling? I trusted him. I just don't trust the situation.

Caitlin buries her nose deep in the bouquet and grins widely.

"The magic of Paige Michalchuk," praises Caitlin. "You're so in the right career field."

"Queen of matchmaking and merriment," says Paige. "Except in Ashley's case. She hasn't been happy all day."

"Just have a lot on my mind," I say, shrugging. "Finals."

"Relax," instructs Paige. "Didn't I tell you that three years ago, when you were hiding under your black Craig cloud? Now it's good because Craig's totally in love with you."

"Yeah...sure," I say, after Hazel sneezes again. "Um...bathroom."

I flip open my phone, but then shut it again. I walk over to Jimmy, who has a nice bouquet of red roses in his lap. Giving him a weak smile, I cross my arms.

"Good thing you didn't get marigolds," I say.

"No...no, I don't want to kill her," says Jimmy, chuckling. "I think these are okay."

I uncross my arms, and stare at some seeds for sale, then a ceramic frog, then Jimmy.

"Jimmy?" I say.

"Yeah?"

"Do you...this is going to sound so obnoxious and immature...but why'd you like Ellie more than Hazel last year?"

Jimmy blinks, looks taken aback.

"Sorry," I say, backing away. "Sorry."

"No," says Jimmy, wheeling toward me. "It's okay."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. Umm...well, I was at a different stage in my life and Hazel and I just weren't connecting anymore. We tried to work it out. Ellie and I...well, it just seemed effortless. The conversations with her were easier, and we'd talk for hours. She kept encouraging me to do what I wanted, instead of what my dad wanted. She's really good that way...encouraging people. But still she's not the girl I love."

I nod. "I hope Hazel likes the flowers," I say, giving him a warmer smile.

"I hope I don't kill her," says Jimmy, moving past me.

I watch him hand her the flowers. She gives him a huge hug, red eyes and all. I think about how Craig is probably comforting Ellie right now, for whatever reason, and I'm here, waiting for I'm not sure what. The phone rings. It's Craig. I let it ring four times, then press Speak.

"Hello," I say.

"Ash," says Craig through some pretty bad static. "Hey!"

"Hey. Are you okay?"

"Yeah...yeah. I'm in my car now."

"Good. I was afraid you were going to miss everything and..."

"Oh, I'm still on campus. I'm taking Ellie out to eat."

Out to eat? Where? Why? Just ask why, Ash, I keep hearing my conscience say. Just ask why.

"Oh," I say. "That's good. Is she okay?"

"We're working it out."

Working what out? That's what Jimmy had said before him and Hazel broke up. Working it out.

"Good," I say, my lips growing tense.

"I just wanted to check on you, make sure you got home okay and everything. I'm shooting to come home the day of the rehearsal."

That was four days away. What were they going to be doing for four days?

"Because you can't miss the bachelor party," I say, coldly. "You know, all those other women."

"What?" says Craig on the other line.

"Enjoy your food," I say, clicking the phone off.

Paige walks over, her hands full of baby's breath. She starts to say something, but I brush past, knocking it over. Who cares? The innocence of this seems to be slipping away.


	12. I Will

XII. I Will

_Who knows how long I've loved you.  
You know I love you still.  
Will I wait a lonely lifetime  
If you want me to – I will.  
For if I ever saw you  
I didn't catch your name.  
But it never really mattered  
I will always feel the same.  
Love you forever and forever.  
Love you with all my heart.  
Love you whenever we're together.  
Love you when we're apart.  
And when at last I find you  
Your song will fill the air  
Sing it so loud I can hear.  
Make it easy to be near you  
For the things you do endear you to me  
You know I will.  
I will._

The entire room is in chaos, pretty chaos, but chaos. Demetria's decorators, who barely speak English, are tying rows of carnations at the end of pews, along the edges of the walls and a couple podiums, near the entrance to the church. I scooch over, holding the page in my math textbook, so that one decorator can have better access to the edge of the pew. Demetria, herself, is barking orders in Russian, while Emma walks around the sanctuary with her checklist, occasionally shaking her head. Darcy and Spinner are in a corner, and every once in awhile, Darcy will point at Emma, a stern look on her face. Spinner rolls his eyes, and stomps away. As they pass me, I hear a little of their conversation.

"Why don't you take her to the wedding?" snaps Darcy.

"I'm just walking her down the aisle today," says Spinner. "Peter's out shopping for a new tripod. It's a favor, dude."

"Don't call me dude! I'm not a dude...I'm a girl, your girlfriend," says Darcy. "Or maybe your little blonde Hollywood queen is like the Cameron Diaz to your Justin or whatever."

"Dude, I hate Justin."

"Don't call me dude!"

Darcy walks briskly away, Spinner trailing behind. I look down at my textbook, but nothing's registering. I went through all the regular motions this week– taking three out of four of my finals, cleaning out my locker, helping Hazel unload her stuff into her parents' home (she is apparently staying the whole summer, three guesses why). But the thoughts of a certain phone call kept plaguing my mind. I didn't want him to come, then I did, then I didn't want him to come, then I did. I couldn't make up my mind. It got so bad, I had to schedule my final for that following Monday, which we had the option of doing, but that was usually for slackers who needed the weekend to study. I actually didn't. All I had to do was review my old tests, which were graded 95 or higher. Ugh. Now I wish he'd never called. Yet, I can't believe he hasn't called ever since I hung up on him.

"Hello!" says a voice, a hand waving in front of me. "Earth to Ashley!"

My head snaps up and I see Caitlin.

"Hey...I was lost in...calculus," I say.

"Yeah, sure," says Caitlin, obviously not buying it. "I need you to do me a favor."

"Looks like favors are dangerous around here," I say, thinking of Darcy and Spinner.

Caitlin gives me a confused look, then carries on.

"Spike's tied up at the salon, some perm emergency, and I need someone to stand in for her. It's really, really easy. You just have to walk down the aisle, bless our union with the candle lighting, and that's that. You're not afraid of matches or anything, right?"

"Um...no, but are you sure you don't want to ask someone else?"

"Well, Emma and Manny are my bridesmaids so they already have spots. Darcy's locked in the bathroom, I wouldn't trust Angie with a match, and J.T. just told me Liberty's grounded. So short of putting Toby in a dress, you're the It Girl."

I entertain the thought of putting Toby in a dress, then shudder.

"Candles over calculus," I say, putting my book down.

"Great!" yells Caitlin.

A couple of Demetria's decorators shush her and start fixing the minister's collar.

I follow Caitlin outside, and stand beside Emma, who has ditched her checklist, and Manny, resting her head on Toby's shoulder. We see Joey, Angie, and Snake hop out of Joey's car. Joey helps out an attractive, older woman, who looks exactly like Caitlin, followed by a balding man.

"Hey Mom! Dad!" says Caitlin, walking over and being enveloped by the women's arms.

"My little Caity," says Ms. Ryan. "Maybe this will be the wedding that actually happens."

"Mom," whines Caitlin.

Caitlin introduces everyone, but Ms. Ryan keeps her eyes on Manny. Manny shifts uncomfortably.

"Those earrings are pretty inappropriate, dear," says Ms. Ryan.

Manny covers her ears protectively.

"They're parakeets," says Manny. "I got them in the Phillipines."

"Mom, it's a dress rehearsal," says Caitlin.

"Take them off," orders Ms. Ryan. "And you...boy with a tongue ring?"

"Uh, Spinner, ma'am," replies Spinner nervously.

"Keep your mouth closed...we don't want any of Caitlin's aunts to pass out," says Ms. Ryan.

Spinner immediately closes his mouth and tightens his jaw. Manny removes her earrings, and Toby slips them into his pants pocket. Emma holds her breath as Ms. Ryan gives her the once over, and I just avoid looking at her.

"The rest are fine," she says, walking quickly into the church, holding hands with Mr. Ryan, who hasn't said a word.

"Sorry, guys," says Caitlin. "She's only uptight when it comes to family events, I promise."

Joey pats her hand and the rest of us go in. Ms. Ryan seemingly has already done a survey and is now arguing with Demetria about the placement of a couple wreaths. The whole thing is settled within a few minutes when Emma lets Ms. Ryan see her checklist, which Ms. Ryan deemed a worthy write-up on what needed to be changed before tomorrow.

"We're missing someone," says Ms. Ryan, handing Emma back her checklist. "The shaggy-haired boy."

"Shaggy-haired boy?" says Joey. "Oh, Craig. Yeah, don't worry. He's coming."

"Mom, you know very well his name is Craig," says Caitlin, who looks ready to hit someone at any moment by now. "And you said how much you liked him about three hours ago."

"I'll call him Craig when he cuts his hair and looks like an actual boy. It's not right for a wedding."

"Please, Mom. It's not even that long."

"Well, his hair is shorter. He'll be walking with Spike, who unfortunately has a thing to do today," interrupts Joey, sliding in between Caitlin and her mom.

"And Ashley's Spike for now," says Caitlin. "She just needs a partner. Snake?"

Snake opens his mouth to speak, but is interrupted by a loud "I will!"

We all turn and see him. I want to be so mad at him, but feel my heart beating fast as he approaches. I won't stare at him any longer, concentrating on the floor, but I can feel him staring at me.

"I will," repeats Craig, finally joining the little circle.

"Well, your hair looks okay," assesses Ms. Ryan. "Everyone to your places."

Craig walks beside me, down the aisle, but I still won't look at him. At the same time, I feel a warm feeling as he loops my arm in his. I finally find the courage, stare him directly in his green eyes, finally breathe normally. The wedding march starts, and everyone loops arms with their partners. I'm grateful to be Spike, for the perm emergency, in this moment. The organ sounds throughout the entire church, and Craig whispers in my ear:

"She's okay."

I nod, and we glide down the aisle, after Emma and Spinner, who are moving fairly fast, possibly because Spin doesn't want Darcy exiting the bathroom to see them. We all enter, and Demetria claps proudly as Mr. Ryan escorts Caitlin down the aisle, carrying Paige's bouquet. Caitlin gives Joey a gigantic smile, and Joey returns it. I've never seen him look so excited, or proud. Craig squeezes my hand, and I pull it away. He frowns at me, and lets out a deep breath.

Mr. Ryan kisses Caitlin on the cheek, and hands her off to Joey, who holds her hand. The minister smiles at the both of them.

"Dearly beloved...," begins the minister.

"I object!" yells a voice from the back of the room.

"What!" screams Ms. Ryan.

It's Darcy, her arms crossed, her flip-flops squelching across the church's carpet.

"Darcy!" exclaims Spinner.

"Who is this little harlot?" demands Ms. Ryan.

"I'm a virgin!" defends Darcy.

"Oh...well, good for you," says Ms. Ryan. "But why are you objecting to my daughter getting married?"

"Oh, not them," says Darcy. "The little blonde bridesmaid and the guilty looking guy."

"Darcy, you're mental!" shouts Spinner. "Sometimes a guy can help someone out, and it won't be romantic and stuff."

Emma steps back, squinting her eyes in confusion.

"You have the song that you were dancing to with her on your ipod," says Darcy, starting to cry.

"It's Craig and Ashley's song, Darcy," says Spinner, and at this point I have to give Craig a small smile. "I have like seventeen songs we danced to on there. I love you, Darcy."

Darcy wipes her eyes and gives Spinner a pathetic smile. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm so emotional. Maybe it's because I'm on my cycle."

Toby, Craig, and Joey grimace, then look very uncomfortable. Manny laughs.

"This is highly inappropriate," says Ms. Ryan. "Continue, reverend."

Darcy takes a seat in the front pew, and waves at Spinner.

"Ummm...," says the minister, who still looks taken aback by Darcy's revelation. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, in the presence of God and these witnesses, to join Joseph Jeremiah and Caitlin Ryan in holy matrimony."

The reverend continues, but I fade in and out, hearing a couple of words now and then. Spinner was right, as much as I hate to admit it. People can hang out and have it not be romantic. I did with Jimmy all the time, so maybe Craig and Ellie could too.

"And now, the friends of this couple will bless their union by the lighting of candles, which signify hope and eternal love. As each of you step forward, please repeat these words: By the lighting of this flame, may it never go out, I honor the love that you two have for one another. So Christine..."

I tuck my hair behind my ear and glance around for Christine. Then it hits me.

"Oh yeah, I'm Christine," I say, apologetically, and take the match to light the first candle.

"By the lighting of this flame, may it never go out, I honor the love that you two have for one another," I say, giving Joey and Caitlin a warm smile, which they return.

"Craig," says the reverend.

I start to go back to my place, but Craig blocks my way, and holds my hand while he lights the candle next to mine. The flame leaps up and seems to dance around to some inaudible music.

"By the lighting of this flame, may it never go out, I honor the love that we two have for one another," he says.

He swallows a lump in his throat, and I don't know if it's the heat of this flame that's making my eyes misty or what, but I feel one tear slip down my nose.

"You better get that right next time," says Ms. Ryan, giving Craig a pointed frown.

"No, I think he got it right," says Joey, nodding at Caitlin.


	13. Don't Bother Me

XIII. Don't Bother Me

_Since she's been gone I want no one to talk to me.  
It's not the same but I'm to blame, it's plain to see.  
So go away, leave me alone, don't bother me.  
I can't believe that she would leave me on my own.  
It's just not right when every night I'm all alone.  
I've got no time for you right now, don't bother me.  
I know I'll never be the same if I don't get her back again.  
Because I know she'll always be the only girl for me.  
But 'till she's here please don't come near, just stay away.  
I'll let you know when she's come home. Until that day,  
Don't come around, leave me alone, don't bother me.  
I've got no time for you right now, don't bother me.  
I know I'll never be the same if I don't get her back again.  
Because I know she'll always be the only girl for me.  
But 'till she's here please don't come near, just stay away.  
I'll let you know when she's come home. Until that day,  
Don't come around, leave me alone, don't bother me.  
Don't bother me.  
Don't bother me.  
Don't bother me.  
Don't bother me_.

Snake pulls Demetria's van into the front of the bakery, as Demetria unbuckles her seatbelt. He had offered to take her and us home, while Joey was taking Caitlin's parents home before his bachelor party. Unfortunately or fortunately (I can't tell at the moment), Craig had offered assistance to Emma to check on the cake for Caitlin, to make sure everything was in order. Emma agreed, still scarlet after Darcy's accusations. Of course, this decision was made after rehearsal when I went to the bathroom to wipe my blurry eyes. Every now and then, I'd cast Emma an annoyed glare, and she'd make a point to ignore it and converse with Toby and Manny in the backseat. That left me and Craig silent, with me staring at the window for the ten minute drive. Five minutes in, it was obvious Craig didn't care about any cake and why he was really stringing along.

"Ash," whispers Craig for the seventh time. "Ash!"

"Don't bother me," I say, opening the door and hopping out of the car before anyone else.

I hear Craig slide out and slam the door behind me. Rushing inside, I don't even hold the door open for anyone. The rest of our party trickles in. It's a beautiful, old-fashioned bakery with lace decorations and displays of gingerbread men, cupcakes, and doughnuts.

"I get the cake for Caitlin Ryan," says Demetria to the lady behind the counter.

"Oh yes, we just finished that one this morning," says the lady.

Toby goes to another salesperson, hands her a dollar, and asks for a gingerbread man. She gives him a fairly large one, which he gives to Manny. Manny nibbles it and sighs.

"Tastes like happy," says Manny.

"Gag," says Emma, giving Manny a little shove.

"I'd get totally fat in here...especially if I was a chef," says Manny. "How much do pastry chefs get paid?"

I walk over to a table and sit, determined to read a menu and ignore all my surroundings. Craig slips into the chair in front of me.

"Remember I called you my little pastry chef?" asks Craig.

"You mean the same year you slept with the girl you cheated on me with?" I say, looking at the drinks list. "Yeah, crystal clear."

Craig grabs the menu from me and slams it down. I raise my head, scowling.

"Don't freeze me out, Ash," says Craig, shaking his head.

"You've been freezing me out for the last four days. Three more days and we'll call it a draw."

Craig furiously runs his hands through his hair. "For a future journalist, you sure don't care about getting the whole story!"

"So I guess being a musician gives you the right to be all elusive," I exclaim, feeling my face grow hot.

A waitress in a pink dress and white apron comes up to us with a notepad and puts down two cups.

"What a lovely couple," she says. "Can I get you anything? The chocolate cheesecake is really delicious."

"No," we bark in unison.

"Smart aleck kids," she snaps. "The tables are for customers."

I roll my eyes, and Craig and I both rise from the table. The cake has been brought out. It's beautiful, four tiers with edible carnations, golden trim, faux turtledoves and gold hearts in different places.

"Aah, it's perfect," Demetria gushes.

"Whaaaaaa...Joey's black, Demetria!" moans Emma.

I look over Toby's shoulder to see that yes, the little couple on the cake has a black Joey and a white Caitlin.

Demetria furrows her brow in concern. "I say he dark on the phone. He not pale like Caitlin."

"Yes, I know he's not pale, but he's not black. I've dated a black guy before," says Emma, taking the male ornament off the cake.

"Oh yeah, Chris," says Manny, biting off the gingerbread's left arm. "I wonder what happened to him."

"Mrs. Ryan is going to be so mad," says Emma. "I need to see the baker, ma'am."

The lady behind the counter, looking terrified, runs into the kitchen.

"I don't like Mrs. Ryan," whispers Manny, stuffing the rest of the gingerbread man in her mouth. "She probably thinks I'm a _maneater_. Get it? Maneater?"

Manny's lame attempt at a joke is met with blank stares. Toby just gives her a shrug.

"Well, fine. I don't like any of you," says Manny, twirling her hair.

Craig sighs deeply, then takes my hand, leading me out of the bakery.

"Manny's joke wasn't that bad," I say, forcing my hand out of his.

"Please," says Craig. "You know why I brought you out here."

"The fine Toronto weather?" I say, walking over to see if Snake left the door unlocked.

It was locked. I kick a tire, then lean against one of the bakery's walls. Craig follows me the whole time.

"Stop being so guarded!" yells Craig. "I can't talk to you when you're like that."

"Like what?" I yell back. "In control? Practical? Calling you out on your mistakes? Excuse me for speaking up for myself."

"I can't tell you certain things about the situation! I want to, but I can't," says Craig, this time in a softer tone.

I go up to him, so I'm directly in his face. We're both searching each other, something we've been doing for the past two weeks, but this time, I can't read anything between his eyes.

"I've told you so many things all this time...so many things I was afraid to say. But you can't tell me what you were doing? That hurts, Craig. That really hurts."

Craig's eyes blink faster and faster, like he's holding in tears. I hated shouting at him, but it felt good to shout. I'd been holding this in for four days, and while I felt like a witch after what he said in the church, there was no way I was taking it back.

"I promised," he says softly. "I can't tell you."

"It's nice that you can promise Ellie something," I say, as Emma and everyone else exit the bakery. "Anything for a friend, right?"

Snake unlocks the van, and I walk over and get inside. I sit between Toby and Manny, who look annoyed, but I don't care. Emma flashes a little bag with the new miniature Joey in my face. He's a few shades lighter.

"Sorry, Ash," she says. "I thought it wouldn't be a problem. What's going on with you two, anyway?"

Toby and Manny give me a curious look.

"If I don't show up for the wedding, don't be surprised," I say, giving Craig, who has switched places with Demetria in the front, and is looking at me in the rear view mirror, a sincere glare.

"So what happened to the black Joey," asks Caitlin, helping Spinner carry the cake box into the Dot's kitchen.

Emma pulls it out of her pocket. "It was just too weird to throw it out," says Emma.

Angie takes it from her. "I'm going to put it in my wedding keepsake box," she announces.

Caitlin, Emma, Manny, Darcy, and myself were about to head over to Spike's for Caitlin's bachelorette party. I was still trying to think of an excuse not to go. Studying for that last final would've made the most sense, but that didn't sound particularly convincing, and having witnessed the fallout with Craig, I'm sure Emma and Manny would know the real reason.

Angie pulls out a shoebox, which I guess is her keepsake box. She walks over to me and smiles.

"Tickets to the hockey game where Joey proposed, a copy of the receipt for the ring (Daddy wouldn't let me have the real one), a wedding announcement, a strand of hair from Caitlin's mom's wig that came off at the engagement party..."

"Angela," chides Caitlin, even though she gives her a small smile.

"And this," she says, holding up a small brown bag.

"What's that?" I ask. "Something blue and new?"

"Nope, the other two. Borrowed and old."

Angie opens the bag, and dumps out a ring in her palm, a beautiful ring that I instantly recognize.

"Oh," I say, taking a deep breath.

"I don't think you've ever worn it," says Angie.

I look awkwardly around the kitchen. Spinner and Caitlin are talking to Spinner's boss about when Demetria's helpers are going to pick up the cake. Manny and Darcy were talking about something, and Emma appeared to be very agitated about whatever it was.

"No, I haven't," I say, giving Angie a weak smile.

"Try it on," suggests Angie. "See if it fits."

"Um, I don't think so," I say.

"Just for fun," says Angie. "Please."

I could never say no to Angie. In fact, I don't think anyone could.

"Just for fun," I say as she hands me the ring.

I think about how Craig couldn't show me that same level of commitment like he did when he first proposed, that same honesty. All he had to tell me was that it was nothing. He couldn't even do that. It was like his mouth was permanently fused, whereas I couldn't stop talking. Slipping on the ring, I feel the cool metal, and a surge runs through my entire body, like the blood is racing through my veins. But it's actually not the metal. It's something sticky.

"Angie!" I say.

"It's fast-drying!" she says, giggling.

"It's my skin!" I exclaim.

"Oops, didn't think of that really" says Angie, in her best innocent voice.

"I can't believe this."

"It's...um...Craig's ring, anyway. I thought you'd like it."

I try to pull it off, the beautiful diamond shining under the florescent lights of the kitchen.

"Oww," I moan, unable to move it at all. "Angie, what if he doesn't want me to wear it?"

"He told me it was for you," defends Angie.

"Angie, that was two years ago."

"Not all things change."

Caitlin calls Angie over, and she gives me a sad smile before going. I'm not upset with her at all, but I am upset that Craig or anyone would see me with the ring on and think I instantly forgave him. Emma sees me struggling with something and comes to see what's up.

"Umm, are you alright?" she asks.

"Yeah," I say, putting my hand behind my back. "I just have this ugly hang nail. It's really disgusting."

"What's even more disgusting is that Darcy got Caitlin granny panties as a party gift," whispers Manny, as she and Darcy join us.

"They're warm and I like them," says Darcy. "What did you get her? A whip?"

"No, not all of us traffic sex shops, Darcy," says Manny. "You'll see what it is..."

Darcy rolls her eyes. "Whatever. Are you guys ready? Because I want to make the rounds, then cut out early to see Spin after work."

"Yeah, let's just schedule our lives around Darcy," says Emma, smirking, and seemingly still annoyed with Darcy for the rehearsal outburst. "Letting a boy ruin girls' night."

"I said I was sorry, Emma," says Darcy, pouting.

I cross my arms, hiding the ring. "You know you're right, Emma!" I say.

"I am?" says Emma.

"Yeah, let's not boys ruin our fun. They just think we're going to wait around for them, but nope.. We're going to make this a night to remember for Caitlin."

"Yeah!" shouts Manny happily.

"Think she has something to prove?" I hear Darcy whisper.

"Oh yeah," replies Emma.


	14. Keep Your Hands Off My Baby

XIV. Keep Your Hands Off My Baby

_We've been friends for oh so long,  
I won't let you share what's mine.  
When you mess with the girl I love,  
it's time to draw the line.  
Keep your hands off my baby.  
Ain't a-gonna tell you  
one more time.  
So keep your hands off my baby,  
for it's gonna do you in:  
that girl is mine.  
I don't mind if you lend my clothes,  
...much  
There is something that you can't say.  
There's one thing you don't touch.  
Keep your hands off my baby.  
Ain't a-gonna tell you  
one more time.  
So keep your hands off my baby,  
for it's really gonna do you in:  
that girl is mine.  
Keep your hands off my baby.  
Ain't a-gonna tell you  
one more time.  
So keep your hands off my baby,  
for it's really gonna do you in:  
that girl is mine.  
Oh keep your hands off my baby,  
she's mine.  
Keep your hands off my baby.  
You'd better watch your step now  
for it's really gonna do you in:  
that girl is mine._

"I'll call you at eleven," says Manny, holding Spike's door open for me.

Toby adjusts his eyeglasses, then pouts. "At ten," he pleads.

"I'll call you at eleven," repeats Manny.

"This is the first night we haven't spent with each other since we started going out," says Toby, squeezing her waist.

"I know," replies Manny, nuzzling her nose to his cheek.

"It bites," says Toby.

"I know."

J.T. whistles. "Put an end to the lovefest, and let's get to Joey's. There's snacks, good music..."

Toby sighs, holding Manny closer to him. "There are snacks here."

"And luscious ladies," says J.T., grinning at me. "But they're regrettably fully clothed. So come hither, compadre. We can finally see a stripper without hiding in the bushes. On to the bachelor bonanza."

"Does Liberty know you're so eager to go to this thing?" I ask.

"She's grounded," says J.T. "I haven't had any female companionship in like three days."

"Poor J.T.," says Emma sarcastically."Probably because Danny told his dad you guys were fooling around on the school roof."

"I'm not the one getting married, alright?" defends J.T.

Toby and Manny peck each other on the lipsand Toby sadly follows J.T. out of the door. They almost bump into a beaming Spike and a couple of women I don't know. One is about the same skin color as me, but with jet-black, curly hair and really tall. The other has long, brown hair and sort of dreamy, brown eyes. They're both carrying gift bags, chips, and the really tall woman carries a boa. Liz, someone I recognize from Joey and Caitlin's engagement party, comes in next, then Darcy, carrying a bottle of champagne.

"So quick introductions," says Spike, standing in front of us. "Okay, you guys know Manny and Em. This is Ashley. Ashley, this is Lucy Fernandez, our resident geniusand this is Melanie Brodie, who's just well Melanie."

"Thanks Spike," says Melanie, elbowing her. "First you marry my first boyfriend, then you insult me. You guys should be lucky I graced this little shindig with my presence. Where's Caitlin?"

"All we had to do was wave the little ad for the stripper in your face, and you seemed more than willing, Melanie," chuckles Lucy, taking the champagne from Darcy.

"Caitlin dropped us off, but then her mom called as planned. That should buy us like an hour knowing Mrs. Ryan," replies Emma.

"Ewww, Ms. Ryan," says Melanie. "I like your earrings, Manny."

"Thanks," says Manny, smiling.

"Not my thing," mutters Liz, and she gives me a small wink.

"Where's Kathleen?" asks Lucy.

"What, you expected Ms. Prim and Proper to come see scantily clad men?" says Melanie. "She's probably bowling with her husband and her blonde-haired broad. She's coming to the wedding, though."

Spike starts putting up streamers with Emma's help. I offer to help Lucy fix the table, and in forty minutes, Spike's living room is party-ready. Liz, making it quite clear that she knows Caitlin's musical taste the best, puts in some CDs in the CD player. Cyndi Lauper is the first to blast out of the speakers.

_Oh, when the working day is done, oh when the working day is done_, _Girls just wanna have fun_

We sing along, and for a complete hour, I found I've forgotten about Craig, about Ellie, about anything. Then, I reach in to get a couple of chips, and I see it. The diamond sparkles right in my eye. It seemed like the memory of him was following me around everywhere. I go to the water faucet and let a steady stream of water slide over it, trying to take it off. It doesn't work. I only stop when my finger starts to sting.

"Here she comes!" shouts Spike, dimming the lights after peeping through the window.

Liz turns off the radio, and we all duck. I just slide behind the kitchen counter. We hear doorknob turn, and see the lights flip on, then yell "Surprise!"

Caitlin screams, putting her hand to her heart.

"You jerks!" says Caitlin, grinning widely. "Melanie! Lucy! I haven't seen you in forever."

Lucy and Melanie grab Caitlin, all of them embracing in a three-way hug.

"We weren't going to miss Degrassi history," says Melanie, leading Caitlin to the couch.

"Finally tying down Degrassi's class clown," teases Lucy, draping the boa around Caitlin's shoulders. "So tell us, Caitlin Ryan, what was it that drew you to Joey Jeremiah? The classic Hawaiian print shirts, the fedora, the walking through the caf naked?"

"Nothing," says Spike, kissing Caitlin on the head. "It was just Joey."

Caitlin blushes. "True."

"Gift time," interjects Liz, and everyone rustles to get their gift.

I hold mine awkwardly. It was something I thought both Joey and Caitlin would enjoy, and I'm not the best shopper so I definitely didn't want to go first.

"Well, let's see what we have here," says Caitlin, opening up Liz's gift. "Oh, wowww!"

She pulls out a heap of bath oil.

"The scent is called Rockstar Bride," says Liz. "It's like this addictive coconut smell. Joey won't be able to resist it."

"Um, you didn't use this when Joey was interested in you?" says Melanie, taking a whiff after unscrewing the bottle.

"No, for your information," answers Liz. "And don't worry, Caitlin, it's totally approved by PETA. I checked."

Caitlin nods in approval, then shakes Melanie's gift. "Sounds metallic."

Out comes a pair of handcuffs, and Caitlin's face goes totally red. Melanie claps her hands in amusement, while Darcy's eyes bug out.

"Melanie!" exclaims Caitlin.

"Don't be such a prude," says Melanie. "It's not like you never wore handcuffs before."

"Yeah, you've been arrested how many times?" prods Lucy.

"All for a good cause," says Caitlin.

"You'd be using these for a good cause...trust me," says Melanie, pouring herself some champagne.

Caitlin begins opening the rest: a copy of _It Creeps _from Lucy, which apparently she directed in high school and had Joey as some nerd (it produced a lot of laughs from her friends); a garter belt from Spike, who took delight in dangling it in front of Caitlin's face; coupons for a masseuse at a spa from both Spike and Emma; Darcy and her granny panties, which Caitlin seemed to appreciate as best she could..

"Your turn, Manny," says Emma, arching her eyebrows.

Manny presents Caitlin with a shiny, pink gift bag and giggles. Caitlin takes out a couple small bottles and reads aloud:

"Chocolate body paint."

Everyone starts to laugh, and Caitlin buries her head in her hands.

"It'll make Joey say yummy yum yum," says Manny, winking at Caitlin.

"Thanks, guys," says Caitlin, who was becoming a bit buzzed from a few glasses of champagne.

I hold my present awkwardly, then speak up. "My turn, I guess," I say.

I give her the gift, and Caitlin clumsily tears off the wrapping paper.

"Ohhh, Ashley," says Caitlin, her eyes growing misty.

Jimmy had helped me with it, developing the photo I talked Joey into giving me. It was a commemorative lunchbox with a picture of Joey on bended knee proposing to Caitlin at the stadium.

"Thank you," whispers Caitlin, wiping her eyes.

"Sure," I say. "Sorry it's not sexy."

"No...no, it's perfect."

"Wow, it looks like you're getting married as well," says Lucy, eyeing my hand.

"Umm...no, it's...," I begin.

"To Craig?" questions Liz.

"Wait? Joey's Craig," says Melanie. "That's so sweet."

"No...no," I say, covering my hand.

"Ashley, why didn't you tell us!" shouts Darcy. "Is that why Craig said what he did at the rehearsal?"

"Don't be ridiculous," says Emma, coming to my rescue. "They're not ready."

"You don't have to be a certain age to be ready," protests Darcy. "My parents got married young."

I stand up, give Caitlin an apologetic look, then excuse myself and go outside. It's cold. The moon hangs over the neighborhood, like some forgotten friend. I stare up at it. I don't know whether to feel embarrassed or confused. Something in me didn't hate the idea of wearing his ring or having people think I was wearing it.

A beat-up car pulls into the street, and a few seconds later, a very attractive man in a trench coat and cowboy boots steps out of the car and advances towards me. I greet him with a blank stare.

"Hey, are you Christine?" he asks.

"No," I answer.

"Well, too bad," he says. "I'm her present for Caitlin."

"Oh, so you're the..."

"Yep," he interrupts. "But I have some time. My name's Mike."

"Umm...Ashley."

Mike pretends to yawn, and you can see his muscled chest through the folds of his jacket. Wow.

"So what are you doing later, tonight? I mean, you are eighteen and everything, right?" says Mike.

This is just too much. Then, I get an idea.

"I'm spoken for," I say, flashing the ring. "Engaged."

Mike frowns, then grins again. "Engagements can be broken, if you know what I'm saying."

He brushes a hair that is flapping in front of my face. I feel ready to vomit.

"You heard her!" shouts a voice behind Mike. "She's spoken for."

Mike and I turn to see Craig, dressed in jeans, his leather jacket, and a black T-shirt, carrying his guitar case.

"Who's this boy band reject?" says Mike, smirking.

"Signed musician actually. Don't you have other girls to harass?" says Craig. "You know, take off your clothes and all that jazz. Some of us have...well, more appreciated talents."

"My talents are very much appreciated," replies Mike, giving my shoulder a squeeze and then walking into Spike's.

I shudder, then look back at Craig, whose chest is heaving up and down rapidly in anger..

"What was that, Ashley?" demands Craig. "He's like ancient...twenty-nine at least."

"What do you care?" I say, a part of me glad that he's so steamed.

"And whose ring is this?" he says, grabbing my wrist and looking at my hand. "I was gone for four days and you...oh."

A satisfied smile spreads across Craig's lips, and he lets my wrist go gently. I slip my hand in my pocket.

"Well, it's pretty obvious I'm not engaged to the stripper," I say, nonchalantly.

"How did you...?"

"Angie. She tricked me, and it won't come off. I've tried, but it's not coming off."

Craig nods. "I don't think you've really tried to get it off," he says, smugly.

"Yes...yes I have!" I stammer. "I've pulled...and put it under water...and well, that was it, but I've tried to get it off! Don't think...you think...well, what are you thinking?"

Craig laughs. "I was thinking I was going to leave my guitar over here at Spike's. One of Joey's cousins thought it would be cool to try and use it as a doorstop."

"And you knew I would be here," I say. "So you came up with some flimsy guitar excuse."

"No, I actually thought it was a good excuse," says Craig, playing with my hair. "Until I said it."

Him touching me didn't make me want to vomit like it had with Mike.

"Stop," I say, letting him continue to play with it.

"I don't want you to take it off," he says, this time stroking my cheek.

"I'm going back in in like ten seconds," I say. "You know, to watch Mike."

"I don't want you to go in," says Craig.

"Too bad," I say.

He tries to kiss me, but I weave and he stumbles and hits his face on the door. I try to hold in a laugh, but can't.

"Still have all my teeth," mumbles Craig, rubbing his jaw.

I sit on the stoop and stare at the moon, which is as bright as when I first came out.

"I'm cold," I say, stretching my legs.

Craig drapes something around me. It's his leather jacket. Then, he sits down next to me.

"Thanks," I say.

"Now, I'm cold," says Craig, rubbing his hands together.

I put part of the jacket around him, which actually covered him a little better than I thought it would.

"You've gotten really fat," I say, nodding to the jacket.

"Fast food is the diet of a hardworking musician," says Craig. "But I'm still dead sexy."

I shake my head, smiling. "Shut up, Manning. You're as cocky as they come."

"You know you love it," says Craig.

I put my shoe over Craig's and press down hard.

"Owww," says Craig, hitting my knee with his. "And you know you love me."

I sigh. "Now I really want you to shut up."

"Because it's true?" says Craig with a confident nod.

Craig laces his fingers through mine, and rubs the ring with his index finger. I still wanted him to fess up, but not right then. I could feel my defenses lowering, but not enough to forgive him. I didn't even know what to forgive him for, because he wouldn't tell me.

"Come to the wedding," says Craig, kissing a couple of my fingers. "I need you to show me you have the faith this time. Faith in me. It's just you, Ash, just you."

Before I know it, he's kissed my entire hand. It was getting warmer and warmer under his jacket.

"I don't know," I say.

"This means something," says Craig, his lips rising from my hand, and his thumb touching the diamond of the ring. "I don't know what. But I want to know. Do you?"

With this, he lets me go, stands up, and won't let me give him back his jacket. There is no way he's getting off that easy, but I manage to give him a little smile.

"I'm still going to watch Mike," I say, though more playful than serious. "We might go out afterwards."

Craig runs a tongue over his perfectly fine teeth. "He's probably on steroids. I hate him."

I shrug. "Not my problem," I say.

Closing the door behind me, I keep my eyes on Craig's, flashing hopefully and bright as the diamond on his ring. I don't try and pry it off anymore, but watch as Caitlin shimmies in front of Mike and bumps him with her butt.

"Woo, go on Caitlin!" shouts Melanie enthusiastically.

"What would Joey say?" says Emma, who glances at Manny, chatting happily on her cellphone.

"Shush, Toby's on the phone!" whispers Manny urgently.

Darcy puts a finger to her lips. "I think this is just a bit more important," says Darcy, giving Mike an adoring look and fanning herself.

"See something you like, Darcy?" teases Emma.

"I'm just...appreciating," says Darcy. "I'm not getting hitched tonight."

"Well, neither am I!" yells Caitlin, dripping her boa over Mike's shoulders.

"Come on, Ashley," says Emma, motioning for me to come over.

"Nah," I say, clutching my ring. "I'm spoken for."


	15. Julia

XV. Julia

_Half of what I say is meaningless  
But I say it just to reach you, Julia.  
Julia, Julia, oceanchild, calls me  
So I sing a song of love, Julia  
Julia, seashell eyes, windy smile, calls me  
So I sing a song of love, Julia.  
Her hair of floating sky is shimmering,  
Glimmering,  
In the sun.  
Julia, Julia, morning moon, touch me  
So I sing a song of love, Julia.  
When I cannot sing my heart  
I can only speak my mind, Julia.  
Julia, sleeping sand, silent cloud, touch me  
So I sing a song of love, Julia.  
Hum hum hum hum… calls me  
So I sing a song of love for Julia, Julia, Julia_.

I apply some pink lipstick to my mouth, then check to see that none of it has managed to find its way onto my teeth. I'm in the clear, and check the back of my dress in my bedroom mirror. It looks surprisingly good, with the grey satin bringing out my eyes. I try to put on some blush, but my hands are shaking. Then, I attempt to put up my hair, but getting frustrated, I can't make it work and let my hair hang straight. Why am I so nervous? I know why I'm nervous. Because I have to be the one to take the initiative this time, make the decision, cough up the courage. I got dressed without a thought in my mind...well, alright, several thoughts in my mind all centered on Craig.

Someone knocks on my door and I tell them to come in. Mom.

"Ashley, you look stunning," says Mom, as we both look in the mirror.

Mom and I really haven't talked since prom night, except quick hellos and good-byes. Surprisingly, she didn't bring up Craig again, or press for further information.

"I don't know what to do with my hair," I say.

Mom finds some hairspray and pins, then starts to go to work. Even though I'm sure I was old enough to do whatever style she has planned, it didn't feel like I was five.

"Thanks," I say.

"You should feel a lot more confident," says Mom, clipping some of my hair in a diamond-colored clip.

I sigh. "I don't know. I'm just really twitchy today."

Mom smiles. "Would you feel less twitchy if I told you Linda Kwan just called me?"

"Miss Kwan? Why?"

"Something about you getting a valedictorian speech ready."

I jump up and hug Mom, probably damaging whatever progress she made on her hair. Mom squeezes me tight and kisses my cheek.

"I...I can't believe it," I murmur.

"I can," says Mom. "I'm so proud of you, Ashley. You've been through so much at that school and you just excelled. You can get through everything."

Sitting down, Mom finishes my hair, a cute updo where one half of my hair is pinned up and the other hangs to my back. I take a deep breath, and look down at Craig's ring.

"Mom...if Craig were to...date me again...would you mind?" I ask, staring at her reflection in the mirror because it's easier to face that than her.

I thought of all those times Craig made the move. He asked me to the luau dance, and I remember walking more slowly after he got the question out, prolonging the moment. He ran out of the studio, not knowing what would happen, bouncing around me like he was on a high. He proposed, offered to do the Kevin Smith song with me, wanted to go to England with me. And within a matter of a couple weeks, he's asked me to come to his house to talk, taken me to prom, sought me out even though I was mad at him. He's right. It's my turn.

"Is that an...," she begins, staring at my hand. "Never mind."

"It isn't what you think," I soothe her. "But I want to give it another go."

Mom gives my hair a final spray, and clutches me from behind.

"You're a smart girl, an adult, so smart I trust you," she says. "I can't tell you not to listen to your heart."

"Someone just cut the cheese," complains J.T., winding down the window in Toby's car.

"Stop stinking up my Bubbie's car," orders Toby, turning left and staring at J.T., Danny, and I in the backseat. "The air freshener won't cover up your gas."

I knew I should've rode with Spin, Darcy, Jimmy, and Hazel. Up front, Manny is checking her make-up in a compact mirror, then turns around and glares at Danny.

"Nasty," she says to him.

"This one's especially for you," replies Danny, then lets out a really audible fart.

I pinch my nose as Manny punches Danny. J.T. laughs and shakes his head.

"So I heard Kwan called you, Ash," says Toby. "That's weird."

"Yeah...I kind of got valedictorian," I say shyly, through my pinched nose.

"Whoa, that's amazing," praises Manny. "Congrats."

"Thanks," I say.

J.T. frowns. "Yeah, congratulations," he says.

I could tell he was already thinking about how to break the news to Liberty. Then, I feel bad and look down at my lap the rest of the ride to the church.

As soon as we arrive, J.T. wanders off, probably to go find Liberty. Toby and Manny drift away, and Danny makes for the bathroom. I stand in the foyer, staring at a marble angel statue in front of the church bulletin board. The sun shines on her head, like a little halo.

"Excuse me, miss?" says a deep, nervous voice.

An attractive, younger man with a bald head, wearing glasses, stands next to me, dressed in a nice, black suit.

"Hi," I greet him.

"Are you a friend of Joey's, by any chance?" he says.

"Um...yeah, I helped with the wedding," I reply. "Is...is something wrong?"

"Oh, no. It's just...I can't really...tie a tie. I mean, Lucy did mine."

I shrug. "Well, I can help. I've helped my dad and Chris with theirs."

The man lets out a sigh of relief. "Great. I'm Derek, by the way."

I follow him into a side room, and we walk in to see Joey, wrestling with a blue, silk tie. His bald head has beads of sweat, and he throws up his hands in frustration.

"Wheels, it's no use," says Joey.

"I found a recruit," says Wheels. "Of the female variety."

Joey wipes his brow, and gives me a relieved grin. "You're my hero."

"I was pretty clueless," admits Wheels. "Bordering on useless."

"Don't let him fool you, Ash," says Joey. "This guy's a fantastic motivational speaker. Far from useless."

Wheels turns red, and claps Joey on the back before leaving. I start lining up Joey's tie.

"If it helps at all, I was nervous today, too," I say.

"Any particular reason?" asks Joey.

"Just...I don't know. It was weird," I say.

"I wasn't this nervous last time," says Joey. "Maybe because I was marrying my best friend."

A quick image of Ellie pops into my mind, but I brush it away, concentrating on making a good knot.

"You really cared about Julia," I say. "You can see it in your eyes."

Joey nods. "She always understood me, supported me. She was such a good person, wonderful with Craig and Angie."

"She sounds wonderful."

"She was, but she wasn't Caitlin."

"She's not your best friend though?"

"No, it's more like I have to keep guessing with her. It's...exciting? She's a challenge, she's inspiring, she's...she's everything."

I straighten Joey's tie. "You're done. Go get married."

"You always were my favorite of Craig's exes," says Joey, looking pleased with the result. "But I guess you won't be an ex for long."

"I don't know," I say, biting my lip to keep from smiling.

"Well, I know," says Joey.

After leaving Joey's room, I run right smack into Liberty, who has on a really pretty, pale purple dress.

"Hey, Liberty," I say. "Sorry."

Liberty rolls her eyes. "Hey, Ashley."

"Umm...so this place is probably going to be packed in about fifteen minutes."

"Probably," she says coldly. "Excuse me."

I watch her walk away, and feel the room get chillier. Danny comes up to me and hands me a stick of gum.

"A peace offering from the Van Zandts," he says. "And fresh breath is just a bonus."

"Thanks," I say.

Danny ducks into the sanctuary, and I peel open the wrapper, then plop it in my mouth. After a few good chews, I start feeling a slow burning on my tongue. It grows so intense that my eyes start to water. Some peace offering, Danny. Spinner and Darcy enter the foyer, having just arrived.

"Hey, Ashley," says Darcy, pulling a sweater over a shiny white dress.

I can't talk, but instead mumble, "Kitchen."

"Midget?" says Spinner, giving me a puzzled look.

"Oooh, charades," says Darcy, beaming. "Pigeon? Religion?"

"You can't talk in charades, Ash," informs Spinner.

I shoot him the evil eye, then turn heel and start peering through different doors. After a few tries, I find the kitchen, fetch a glass from a cupboard, and pour myself some water. I start drinking, standing in front of the sink.

"Hey!" shouts a voice, and I feel two strong hands circle my waist. "You came!"

I jump, then spit the contents of my mouth on the person speaking. Craig.

"Oh, I'm so...I'm so sorry, Craig," I say, watching droplets of water slide down his nose.

"Towel," says Craig, wiping his eyes and trying his best to see me.

"Yeah...a towel. Where...," I say, looking near the dishwasher, finally finding one and handing it to him.

As Craig wipes off his face, I rub my hands with a paper towel, shaking my head in disbelief. I don't think I've been this embarrassed before, well, in front of him. As I rub, I notice that my hand feels lighter. The ring is gone. I fumble around in the sink, hoping it's slid to one of the sides. No luck. My breathing starts getting rapid, and I start shaking.

"It's alright, Ash," says Craig, looking concerned. "Water doesn't kill."

"It's...it's Julia, Craig!" I exclaim. "The ring...the ring!"

"Ash, I don't know what you're talking about," says Craig. "Calm down."

"The ring is in the sink," I say, massaging my throbbing temple. "Julia's ring!"

Craig furrows his eyebrows and kneels down, opening the cupboard under the sink. I crouch down too, and look under.

"It's probably down the drain by now," says Craig. "I'll have to look in the pipes."

"Is that something you can do?" I ask.

"Well, I'm no Sean, but Angie's gotten so much stuff stuck in our sink," says Craig. "I just need tools."

"Okay," I say, getting up and spying a tool chest near the refrigerator.

It's heavy so it takes me a while to get it to him. I hand him what he needs, and pretty soon, the room is full of the clinking of pipes.

"This shouldn't take long," says Craig, his voice a little bit muffled from the cupboard.

"I'm such a spaz," I say. "If I lose this ring, you and Joey will probably hate me. Not to mention Angie."

"Relax," replies Craig. "I'll get it."

"Okay," I say, my mind easing a little.

I peer down at my hand. Now that it was actually gone, I realize how much I've looked at it, thought about it, enjoyed having it.

"Meanwhile, don't stare at my plumber's butt," says Craig.

"You mean, your gnome knocking-over bum?" I say, feeling a smile creep up on my lips. "How could I resist?"

"Bum? Someone stayed in England too long."

Craig inches out of the cupboard, and scoots over to me. He uncurls his fist, and I see the ring.

"Keep this close, valedictorian," he says, winking at me.

I blush. "Who told you?"

"Toby," answers Craig. "That's amazing, Ash."

He helps me up, and stares into my eyes. It makes me feel really light-headed.

"It's not a big deal," I say.

"Yeah, it is," says Craig. "And so is this...you being here, I mean."

I'm not sure what to say after that, so I look away.

"This reminds me of when my mom got her wedding train stuck in Grandma's car door," says Craig, chuckling. "Nothing really seemed to go right that day. But it felt right, and I guess that's the thing."

"That's cute," I say. "I mean, Caitlin's a klutz too. Joey has a thing for accident-prone women, I suppose."

"He's not the only one," says Craig, tucking a hair behind my ear.

I finally found that courage I've been trying to find the whole morning. Putting my hands on his chest, I purse my lips, and am inches away from his face, when we hears heels clapping against the linoleum floor.

"Ash! Craig!" exclaims someone from the doorway.

I turn my head, and see a familiar head of curly, thick red hair. Ellie appears, grinning, in a cute black dress with long sleeves.

"El!" says Craig, returning her smile. "Hey!"

She wraps Craig in a long hug, blinking up at the florescent lights of the kitchen. She waves at me as she hugs him. I don't smile, but I wave. My face grows warm, warmer than Danny's gum could ever be. Did she even know that I was unaware of whatever happened during those four days? She acted like nothing had happened.

"I thought you weren't coming," says Craig.

"I know, but couldn't miss my best friend's toast," says Ellie, squeezing his arm. "I just know you're going to do great."

"Hopefully," says Craig. "You should go find Caitlin. I'm sure she'd want to see you."

Craig gives me a private smile, maybe to let me know he was trying to get rid of her, or maybe it was something else.

"Ash!" says Ellie, throwing her arms around me. "You aren't going to say hi?"

"Hi," I say quietly, only using one arm to hug her.

"Well, let's go find Caitlin," says Ellie cheerfully, guiding me out of the kitchen.

Craig starts to speak up, but then shrugs at me, placing the ring in his side pocket. Ellie and I start down the hall, her chatting happily the whole time.

"You're really quiet today, Ash," notes Ellie after I haven't said a word.

"Yeah," I reply. "It's just been a really strange day so far."

"It'll get better," says Ellie, hugging me from the side. "Now that I'm here."


	16. Crying, Waiting, Hoping

XVI. Crying, Waiting, Hoping

_Crying, crying,  
waiting, waiting,  
hoping, hoping,  
you'll come back,  
I just can't seem  
to get you off my mind.  
Crying, crying,  
waiting, waiting,  
hoping, hoping,  
you'll come back.  
You're the one I love.  
I think about you  
all the time.  
Crying, crying,  
tears keep a-falling  
all night long.  
Waiting, waiting,  
it seems so useless,  
I know it's wrong  
to keep on...  
...crying, crying,  
waiting, waiting,  
hoping, hoping,  
you'll come back baby,  
someday soon  
things will change  
and you'll be mine.  
Crying, crying,  
tears keep a-falling  
all night long.  
Waiting, waiting,  
it seems so useless,  
I know it's wrong  
to keep on...  
...crying, crying,  
waiting, waiting,  
hoping, hoping,  
you'll come back  
maybe someday soon,  
things will change  
and you'll be mine.  
Crying, crying,  
waiting, waiting, hoping, hoping. _

A lovely silk veil hangs over a mannequin's head near a couple perfume bottles on the vanity table. Though I'm sure Caitlin wouldn't like the term, she looked exactly like a blushing bride: her face glowing, rosy cheeks, dazzling eyes. It almost didn't seem real, her getting ready to walk down the aisle to the man she's always loved, exchanging vows. Then Ms. Ryan walked in.

"The pearl clip to hold the veil has a smudge on it!" she exclaimed. "Who did it? Come on, fess up."

Emma, Manny, Ellie, and I exchange worried glances, while Demetria stares at the floor.

"Mom...," starts Caitlin.

"I swear, we can't get through one hour without something going wrong. First, the cake got delivered to the wrong room, the ringbearer doesn't speak any English..."

"He's Tomas' nephew, Mom," interrupts Caitlin. "He's from Portugal and he's seven."

"That doesn't help me when I need to know where the ring is. Imagine if he lost something that special."

My ears are burning as I think back to the kitchen and Julia's ring almost disappearing forever.

"Excuse me, Ms. Ryan," says Ellie, cautiously. "Um, this is basically Caitlin's day, but in a way, it's your day since she's your only daughter. Why ruin it by stressing out so much? I mean, Caitlin's nervous enough, right?"

Everyone holds in their breath, and even Caitlin looks hesitant. I have to admit that was pretty bold. Ms. Ryan's face grows tense, but soon relaxes.

"I'll clean off the smudge," she says in a softer tone that she hasn't used since she arrived in Toronto.

She leaves the room, all our eyes following her.

"Awesome, Ellie!" says Manny, nodding her head in approval.

Caitlin sighs. "Thanks so much, Ellie. I'm so glad you're here."

I feel a pang in my stomach, and think, well, at least one of us in this room is glad. My conscience comes back and then I feel awful for thinking that.

"Anytime," says Ellie.

"So do you have everything? Something borrowed...," says Emma.

"My grandmother's sapphire necklace," replies Caitlin, touching her neck.

"Something blue?"

"Angie's hair ribbon tied around my bouquet."

"Something old?"

"A charm bracelet Joey gave me in high school," says Caitlin, making sure it's on tight.

"Something new?"

"My wedding dress."

Caitlin stands up and turns around for us all to see. It was beautiful, hand-sewn by Joey's mother, with gorgeous beadwork on the bodice, a tulle skirt that sparkled, and a hint of blue at the waist.

"So beautiful," says Demetria. "I cry but I smear the rouge."

"You look awesome, Caitlin," agrees Emma. "Joey's going to burst into tears."

"Now I just need to put on some perfume and the veil, and we're done," says Caitlin, going to the table.

Manny goes over to the table and starts spritzing a couple on her wrist and the top of her arm..

"Something old, something new...this is definitely something pewww," says Manny, wrinking her nose. "Mmmm, this one's good."

Manny holds up her wrist for Emma to sniff.

"Smells like Skittles," says Emma, then sniffs Manny's other wrist. "I like the citrus-y one."

"Ellie, you have good instincts. What do you think of this one?" asks Caitlin, giving her a bottle. "It's Sunset Serenade."

Ellie puts the bottle under her nose. "I like it," she says.

"It helps if you put it on your wrist," advises Manny. "You can get the full effect."

Ellie shrugs. "No, I'm a more natural girl," she says, putting down the bottle quickly.

She gives Caitlin a hug from behind and leaves the room. I tell Caitlin I'll be right back and jog after her, which is pretty difficult in my silver, medium-sized heels.

"A little too girly for you in there?" I ask, walking beside her as she heads to the washroom.

Ellie starts fixing her hair in front of the mirror, trying her best not to look at me.

"Whatev," she replies.

"Ellie, those are really long sleeves for the summer," I say, swallowing a lump in my throat..

"The church might be cold," says Ellie, her voice cracking a bit.

"Ellie...," I begin.

A few tears start to fall down her face, and she wipes them away hurriedly, staring at a stall.

"You don't have to hide anything, El," I say, trying to hug her.

She lunges back, and really starts to sob. Maybe I'm making it worse. I instinctively grab some paper towels and hand them to her. She accepts those.

"Ms. Ryan's definitely not the worst stress you can have," says Ellie, dotting her eyes.

I nod sympathetically, keeping quiet because it seems to be best for now.

"Ash, I haven't done it in two years," whispers Ellie. "And I'm really, really trying. I cover up my arms so I won't get tempted, and the rubber bands are back on my wrist. It's just...I can't...I can't..."

Finally, she lets me hold her, and I can feel all her muscles shake as she cries. I peer down for a second, and there are two red rubber bands that have fallen out of the sleeve of her dress. All those times in my head that I wish she wasn't around, and now I want her here. I stroke her hair.

"I called Craig and I'm sorry if that bothered you, but if he was there, I knew...," says Ellie through staggered breath.

"You knew you could beat it," I finish for her.

I look at our reflection in the mirror. Her mascara, which wasn't that heavy, covered her cheeks, but you could see the bags under her eyes. I wonder how much sleep she's gotten since Craig left, or before Craig arrived.

"He was so nice, offered to stay until I got over it. I told him not to tell you," says Ellie. "I don't want you to think I'm not strong."

"Ellie, I think you're so strong," I say. "I'll always think that."

"Thanks, Ash," she says, squeezing me tight.

"You ready?" I ask, looking at the exit..

"Leave it to me to cry before the wedding," says Ellie, as we charge through the door.

Returning to Caitlin's room, I see Caitlin already has on the veil and is scooping up her bouquet. Ellie elected to go right into the sanctuary and take her seat, after politely declining my tries to go with her. As Ms. Ryan, who seemed more relaxed than I've ever seen her, fastens the pearl clip into Caitlin's blonde hair, I think back to all the support Ellie must've given Craig while I was in England. But hadn't I stayed with him that first night in the hospital, listened to his fears, almost stayed because I thought Craig would need me. But I needed _me_ too. Maybe this was the price for finding me–guilt.

"Going to the chapel and we're going to get marrrrrrried," sings Manny, tapping Emma on the head with her bridesmaid bouquet.

"If you don't shut up, I'm going to poke you with my nail file," sings Emma, smoothing out her hair.

Caitlin stands and takes a deep breath. "Okay," she says. "This is it."

Emma and Manny squeal, while Ms. Ryan mouths "I love you" to Caitlin.

"I love you, too, Mom," says Caitlin, beaming at her mother.

Emma and Manny leave, Ms. Ryan trailing behind her. You can hear the rustles of their dresses.

"Good luck, Caitlin," I say.

"Thanks, Ashley," says Caitlin, studying my face. "Is something wrong?"

"No," I say, looking down at the floor.

"Well, I don't believe that," says Caitlin. "But I do believe whatever it is, you'll make it right."

I start knocking on several doors, hearing a hollow echo from quite a few. I had to find him.

"Craig!" I yell, running through the hall. "Craig!"

A head pokes out of one door. It doesn't take me long to recognize those curls of his. I press through and see him fiddling with his clothes.

"I'm in my boxers," says Craig, turning red. "Not that you haven't seen me in boxers, but it's still polite to knock. Being under that sink kind of did a number on my pants."

"Sorry," I say, smiling even though I know I'm not supposed to be.

Craig notices my smile, pulls up his pants, then fastens his belt.

"Well, I'm sorry I'm not staying undressed," he says. "I know you have a thing for strippers."

I shake my head. "No more jokes," I say.

Craig gives me a curious look. "Okay?"

I sit down on a bench in front of a piano and pat the spot next to me. Craig sits, buttoning his coat.

"I know Ellie's situation," I say, calmly. "And I think you should go to her."

Craig smacks his lips, then scratches his head in confusion. "But I did."

"No, I know that," I continue. "I mean, you should be with her."

Craig hits his forehand with his hand. "Ashley, don't do this," he says, rising from the bench.

"Do what?" I ask.

"Do this! I thought we were past the guilt thing!"

"Don't shout!" I say, louder than I intended. "And this isn't about guilt. It's about what she needs. She needs you."

Craig faces me, flustered, shaking his head in disbelief.

"This isn't about what anyone needs," says Craig, a little more softly. "This is about what we want. I can be there for Ellie. I mean, it's tough losing your scholarship and all..."

"She lost her scholarship?" I breathe.

"It's her first year...I mean, it happens," replies Craig.

"Not to Ellie," I say more to myself than him.

"But she's into Seth. I mean, they broke up, but that's just because she won't tell him what's going on with her. Ash, that's over. She knows we're...well, we're pretty much a 'we'."

I look at my clutched hands. I didn't know all that. But I hate that she can't talk to me.

"Maybe she's still into you too, and you're a better support than Seth?" I say. "What if you're not there and she cuts?"

"We can be there for her together," says Craig, kneeling down in front of me.

"She can't talk to me like she can to you," I say. "I understand that. You guys were in group and all that."

"Well, the group's done. She's in Vancouver," says Craig, clutching my wrist.

I imagine Ellie's wrist, with rubber bands that can easily slip off.

"And so will you," I say, standing up and turning my back to Craig.

I hear Craig open a drawer, knowing he's retrieving Joey and Caitlin's wedding bands. He doesn't say a word. Didn't he know what I was trying to do? I was trying to do the right thing. Sometimes it's better than to go for what you want. I keep my head down the entire time, even when I feel Craig brush my side and close the door behind him. Then, I hear a small knock.

"Yeah?" I call, not anxious to see anyone.

I hear a clink and something slides under the door. It's the ring, not Joey's, not Caitlin's, but the ring that makes me start to cry, and collapse near the piano bench. I had no idea what it meant, until I heard his voice from the other side, unreachable to me.

"I don't need anyone to wear this," he says. "But I want you to."


	17. Here, There and Everywhere

XVII. Here, There, and Everywhere

_To lead a better life, I need my love to be here.  
Here, making each day of the year,  
Changing my life with a wave of her hand.  
Nobody can deny that there's something there.  
There, running my hands through her hair,  
Both of us thinking how good it can be.  
Someone in speaking but she doesn't know he's there.  
I want her ev'rywhere, and if she's beside me I know I need never care,  
But to love her is to meet her ev'rywhere,  
Knowing that my love is to share,  
Each one believing that love never dies,  
Watching her eyes and hoping I'm always there.  
To be there and ev'rywhere,  
Here, there and ev'rywhere._

"Bride or groom?" asks a curly-haired, heavy set man, handing me a program.

My head is in a haze, but I glance down at the front of it. Joey and Caitlin are pictured, his arms wrapped lovingly around her. Under them are the words, _Things We Say Today Will Last Forever_, the theme Demetria picked out. It was the sole thing she'd done right. Either that, or Emma went to the copier and corrected any mistakes.

I see Ellie sitting midway on the left side, so I guess that's the bride's side. Behind me, I can see Craig in the wings, talking to Emma and Manny. He wasn't laughing and he didn't look upset, just a stone face, which was odd because I've never seen him that expressionless. My heart seems to stop for a moment, but I regain my composure.

"Bride," I answer.

Before I can enter, a tall, very serious blonde woman in a pink, tailored suit runs up to the usher, blocking my path.

"Dwayne, one of my sons drew a moustache over Caitlin's face," says the woman. "I'm going to need another."

"Kathleen, I gave you two others," said Dwayne. "What happened to those?"

The wedding party started to assemble behind me. I twisted my hands anxiously, but Kathleen was still blocking my path.

"It's customary to take two, one to read, and the second to save as the first one is likely to crinkle after being held," explains Kathleen.. "The third was for my husband."

Dwayne smirks and hands her one. Kathleen glances around the party, gives Caitlin a cheery wave, and gives Craig a dismissive look.

"You know, the entertainment business is pretty fickle," says Kathleen quietly to Dwayne. "I don't anticipate he'll make it very big like Caitlin. I feel bad for him. He's Joey's kid and all."

My hands stand in place, and I can feel the heat rising up the back of my neck.

"He's won an award actually," I whisper, bumping into her slightly while walking in.

I hear Kathleen give me an annoyed huff, and Dwayne chuckles, then says "Classic."

Ellie finds me among the crowd and gestures me to come over. I notice that everyone else who had helped was sitting on Joey's side, but I didn't want Ellie to be alone.

"Hey," I say, sliding into a pew and behind Liz, who greets me with a nod.

"It's a bit definitive, isn't it?" says Ellie. "They're finally getting married."

"They deserve it," I say. "They've been through everything."

The minister stands in place, while Demetria's workers set up the candelabra. Snake and Wheels are chatting away in the groomsmen's places, while Lucy straightens Melanie's brooch as they sit in the front pew. Next to Lucy, Angie lays her head down on Joey's mother's shoulder, while Caitlin's mother keeps glancing back with a worried look on her face. What really catches my eye is Joey, his tie still in perfect order, waiting, waiting like he'd been doing for so long. He was waiting for her to come down the aisle and be his.

The talking softens, and the loud notes of the wedding march begin to sound. Toby and Manny step through the doors first, her pink taffeta scraping the top of Toby's pants as they walked. Manny seemed to be enjoying the attention, smiling at everyone she passed. Toby kept his eyes focused on the front. Peter and Emma followed, and they looked way more natural than Spinner and Emma did at the rehearsal. Spinner gives Darcy a reassuring grin as Peter leads Emma to the spot next to Manny's. Tomas' nephew carries the pillow behind them, muttering something along the way. He stops in the middle of the aisle, and runs the rest of the way, causing half the audience to gasp. Snake manages to halt him before he runs out into a side door. The flower girl, who also looks related to Tomas, is thankfully better, though she can't stop giggling at the running ringbearer.

I shyly peer up as Craig and Spike start their descent. Spike looks fantastic, in a silvery white, empire waist dress, but my eyes are on him. I think how easily my arms looped through his as we went through the aisle several days ago, how upset I was with him. Now I'm just upset at myself. Craig takes his place by Joey's side, giving him a firm handshake.

We all stand as Mr. Ryan and Caitlin enter the sanctuary, the last part of her train stretched out into the hall. As she walks, you can tell her smile grows brighter and brighter, even though it's hidden under the veil. Joey's face is no different. He blinks quickly, but he keeps his gaze steady, blows out a breath in anticipation. The music ends, and Mr. Ryan kisses Caitlin's cheek, then sits down next to her mother. Caitlin takes Joey's hand, and Joey finally bursts, a couple tears falling, dropping off his chin.

"What a joyous day!" says the minister, his voice filling the large room. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the presence of God and these witnesses, to join Joseph Jeremiah and Caitlin Ryan in holy matrimony."

I try to pay attention, but the minister's words starts to fade. All these thoughts rush into my mind. Craig may not be thinking this, but his words actually did stick. It's about what we want. Why was it always so hard with this, with us? There was my mom, my fears about his disorder, Jimmy, Ellie.

The wedding party is already lighting the candles. Craig said the words as he was supposed to, which made Ms. Ryan give him a warm smile. Craig went back to his place, but his eyes scan the crowd. I hope he's looking for me. He is. I meet his stare, shaking all over.

"Rather than recite traditional vows, Joseph and Caitlin have elected to write their own and share them with us," announces the minister. "Joseph."

Joey wraps his hands around Caitlin's, the tears starting to well up in his eyes again.

"Caitlin," says Joey. "You're not only special to me, but everyone around you. Your warmth, energy, passion to help, and beauty make you stand out. It's not just here in this church, or there in the studio...it's everywhere. And it's no wonder I'm drawn to you, but you drawn to me? Well, I'm pretty lucky."

Caitlin shyly grins, her face scrunching up under the silk veil.

"I will always do my best to cherish you, protect you, love you, because though I haven't always done what's best, I know I'm a better man when I'm with you and because I love you," continues Joey, stroking her cheek.

"Joey," breathes Caitlin, wiping her face, and taking time to catch her breath.. "I love you so much. I love Angie...I love Craig. But I kept running, and I don't exactly know why. Maybe because I was scared, or it was too strong, but my heart stays now. It's right here. No more running. You waited for me, or else we wouldn't have this moment. Thank you for your heart always staying with me."

Emma and Manny are both sniffling, and even Snake and Wheels look teary-eyed. I glance back at Craig, and give him a weak smile. He looks down at his feet, but I see his lips curling in a smile.

"No more running," I say softly to myself.

Ellie pokes me with the edge of the program. "Ash? You okay?"

"I kind of let him go," I whisper to her, my eyes locked on Craig.

Ellie looks between us, and shakes her head at me. "Why?"

"Because I thought you...well, you needed him."

Ellie sighs. "Did it ever occur to you that if you're not happy, Craig wouldn't be happy, and I wouldn't be happy? I know you have this huge heart, Ash, but try using it for yourself once in a while."

I turn to Ellie, and she gives me a knowing nod.

"Fix it," says Ellie. "Or I will."

By this time, the ringbearer offers the pillow to Joey, who slips the ring on Caitlin's finger.

"Do you, Joseph, take Caitlin to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, as long as you both shall live?" asks the minister, having just finished reading a couple Biblical passages.

"I do," says Joey.

"Do you, Caitlin, take Joey to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, as long as you both shall live?"

"I do," says Caitlin.

"If there be anyone with just cause as to why these two should not be joined in marriage, let him speak now or forever hold his peace?"

"Or her," adds Caitlin, eliciting a chorus of laughter from everyone.

"Oh, excuse me," says the minister. "Or her."

There is absolute silence, just rows and rows of smiles on face, hands wiping eyes.

"Very well," says the minister. "It gives me great pleasure to say that by the power given to me under the province of Toronto, I now pronounce you man and wife. Joseph, you may kiss your bride."

Joey lifts the veil. "Well, I'm glad it was you under there after all," he says.

"Had to keep you guessing" says Caitlin, giggling.

They kiss, Joey clutching Caitlin powerfully to his chest. Everyone claps and stands, including me. Emma and Manny jump happily, and Snake puts an arm around Wheels. Spinner, Jimmy, and J.T. whoop, throwing their hands into the air. The organ starts up again, and the processional march fills the ears of everyone. It's really loud, and Angie covers her ears as she follows her dad and new stepmom down the aisle. Thankfully, it gets softer as Craig escorts Spike again. They have to pause when Caitlin's train gets stuck in the door jamb.

"My wife, ladies and gentlemen," says Joey.

"I can't even have a graceful exit," says Caitlin, an apologetic smile on her wet, but happy face.

After a few seconds of getting it off, then fiddling with it, Joey picks her up in his arms and Caitlin screams happily.

"Now this is a graceful exit!" screams Joey to the crowd, and we applaud in approval as they head out.

"Do you know the Hippogriff song from Harry Potter?" asks Angie, about to tap one of the keys on the keyboard.

"No, lass," answers a gruff voice with a thick accent I can't place yet. "We only play the classics. Don't touch anything."

"But you're British," says Angie.

The man with the accent glances at his bandmates, who look as annoyed as he does, but pretend to be tuning their instruments. I stand awkwardly near the stage, not sure where to sit at the reception, though I know Emma would know. I spent about fifteen minutes in the bathroom, thinking about what Ellie said. Did I even know how to fix this? Maybe Craig wouldn't care to hear it. Then again, he was usually willing to listen to me.

"No, I'm Irish," says the man.

"Do you know Colin Farrell then?" says Angie. "Do you wear a lot of green? Is Saint Patrick's Day your favorite holiday?"

"Well, it's the best day to get me a pint or something," says the man, a little of the annoyance fading from his face. "And the day of me patron saint. It's better than Valentine's Day, I tell ya that."

"Angie," says Joey, motioning for Angie to step off the stage. "Leave Patrick alone."

Angie moans, then hops off the stage, and heads over to Caitlin, who rubs her feet as she talks to Lucy and Liz at the head table.

"That's a talker, that one," says Patrick.

Joey smiles, shakes his head. "Thanks for playing for free."

"No problem," says Patrick, taking out a guitar pick. "We're cheap so this is your present. It's better than a toaster. Well, better for us, because we need the practice."

"Just start playing after the toast, alright?" says Joey, giving Patrick a firm handshake. "Oh, this is Ashley, though I'm not sure why she's standing over here..."

I shrug. "Don't know where to sit," I reply.

"You can sit with us," offers Joey.

"Umm, no, that's fine. I think I see Jimmy over there. I'll go sit with him."

Joey frowns, obviously disappointed. "Well, come over and chat with us before we go. It'd be nice to talk to a ex-Londoner. Caitlin's been. I haven't."

"Sure," I say.

I walk over to a table that houses Jimmy, Hazel, J.T., and Liberty. Liberty blinks up at me, waving a glass of champagne at me.

"Ashley!" she exclaims, then letting out a small hiccup. "Do you know how good champagne is? Wow!"

Wow is right.

"Liberty," says J.T., taking the glass from her. "I think that's enough for you today, okay?"

"It's just been two...maybe three glasses," says Liberty, hiccuping a little more loudly. "Besides, we're celebrating. I'm salutatorian. Second-best, but I get to give a speech and sit in the row of honor. That's the more fun speech anyway. You have to be serious and boring when you're valedictorian. No offense, Ashley. Not that that'll matter to my dad..."

J.T. gets up and pulls out Liberty's chair. "Okay, we're going," he says, putting Liberty's arm around his shoulders.

"Night," says Jimmy, exchanging an awkward look with Hazel.

I take Liberty's chair as J.T. guides her away. Seconds later, Ellie runs up to us, an exasperated look on her face.

"Don't make me sit with Toby and Manny," says Ellie. "It's like water torture, only with more pink fabric around."

Ellie sits next to me, and starts a conversation with Jimmy and Hazel. I look around the room. No sign of Craig, but Angie has managed to start bugging Patrick again. However, this time, it's necessary as Patrick hands her a microphone, which she gives to Snake.

Snake taps the microphone. "Friends, friends, if we could settle down," he says.

A few stragglers take their seat, and give him their attention. One of them is Craig, who I can tell is sweating a little, wringing his tie.

"Finally!" says Snake, to a chorus of "amens." "_Finally_ Caitlin has managed to tie Joey down, or maybe it's the other way around."

Caitlin picks up a roll and acts like she's going to throw it at Snake. Snake waves her away.

"But in all seriousness, I love you, guys," says Snake earnestly.

He's met with several "awwws."

"However, this moment belongs to your best man, Mr. Craig Manning. Come on up!" yells Snake, even though Craig is seated a few inches from him.

Craig stands, running a hand through his curls, and accepts the microphone. He's so handsome under the bright lights of the reception hall, and I can't take my eyes off him just like in church.

"Wow," he says. "Um, I'm no writer so hopefully this makes sense. I'm not an expert on love."

"Just the ladies," interjects Joey, winking at Craig.

"Woot!" yells Spinner, as the rest of the crowd laughs.

"I'm trying to give a speech here!" says Craig, blushing.

Joey holds up his hands, and zips his lips, Caitlin resting his elbow on Joey's shoulder.

"So I'm no expert, but I have been in love...once."

Heads start shifting, and I can feel the majority of their eyes find me. That includes Craig's, who then rests his eyes on Joey and Caitlin.

"And what I learned from that is while it's not perfect, it's basically worth it. You don't know what you're feeling, but you can't wait to feel that way everyday. You start doing things you never thought you'd do. You forgive them for the big stuff and the little stuff. And while stuff is hard, sometimes really hard, it's just easy to care about them through all of that."

I wipe my eyes with my napkin, ruining the make-up I put on after the wedding, and Ellie rubs my shoulder.

"It took you guys awhile to find each other again, but I'm glad you did. I love you, Caitlin, you're just amazing. I love you, Joey...you're my dad...even though that's a bit hard to say. Umm..."

Joey bites his lip, then beams at Craig. "That's fine, Craig."

Craig swallows a lump in his throat. "To the bride and groom."

"To the bride and groom," repeats everyone, lifting up their glasses.

Joey walks briskly to Craig, and wraps him in his arms while Caitlin strokes Craig's back.

"Wow," I say, thankful that now everyone's eyes have drifted from me to Joey and Caitlin.

"I told him you'd like it," says Ellie softly to me. "He was so nervous."

"He did good," said Hazel.

"He did perfect," I say.


	18. Things We Said Today

XVIII. Things We Said Today

_You say you will love me if I have to go,  
You'll be thinking of me, somehow I will know,  
Someday when I'm lonely, wishing you weren't so far away,  
Then I will remember things we said today.  
You say you will be mine, girl, till the end of time,  
These days such a girl seems so hard to find,  
Someday when we're dreaming, deep in love,  
Not a lot to say,  
Then I will remember things we said today.  
Me I'm just a lucky kind,  
Love to hear you say that love is love,  
And though we may be blind,  
Love is hear to stay.  
And that's enough to make you mine girl,  
Be the only one,  
Love me all the time girl, we'll go on and on,  
Someday when we're dreaming, deep in love,  
Not a lot to say,  
Then I will remember things we said today.  
Me I'm just a lucky kind,  
Love to hear you say that love is love,  
And though we may be blind,  
Love is hear to stay.  
And that's enough to make you mine girl,  
Be the only one,  
Love me all the time girl, we'll go on and on,  
Someday when we're dreaming, deep in love,  
Not a lot to say,  
Then I will remember things we said today.__  
_

After Craig's toast, Patrick's band begins playing. They're playing 80's standards, which doesn't seem to be their favorite thing in the world, but they put all their energy into it. They put a bit of punk edge to the songs though, which sounds really good.

_Now I've had the time of my life, no, I never felt like this before, I swear, it's the truth... _

"I love this song," cries Hazel. "Come on, Jimmy."

Jimmy wheels himself away from the table, and follows Hazel out onto the floor.

"So, are you going to ask Craig to dance?" nudges Ellie.

"He probably wouldn't want to," I say.

"Hello, subject of the lovey dovey toast!" says Ellie, waving her hand in front of my face. "I don't think he'd say no."

Ellie's cell phone starts to ring, and she flips it open.

"Yeah?" she says.

After a few seconds, her face starts to light up, and she excuses herself, walking to the other side of the room so she can hear the rest of the conversation. I'd been working up the nerve to go up to Craig after that amazing toast, but it didn't help that he was surrounded by relatives and other guests, also telling him that it was amazing. Finally, Craig sits down in his chair, leaning back and loosening his tie.

I scoot out of my chair and make my way towards him. The music stops and I see that Caitlin is on stage with Patrick and Joey.

"Time to throw the bouquet," says Caitlin, waving around the bouquet invitingly.

Before I know it, I hear a rush of heels around me, and I'm caught in a swarm of all the available women in the room. Caitlin eyes the crowd mischievously, turns her back to us, and throws it after a steady drum roll from the drummer. A dozen arms reach up hopefully, and it lands right in front of Liz.

"Gross," says Liz, who was just standing by in the back. She steps away.

This gives everyone time to fumble for it. Emma and Manny make a solid attempt, but it finds its way into Darcy's petite, eager hands.

"Do I get to keep it?" she yells at Caitlin.

"Sure," says Caitlin.

Spinner taps her on the shoulder, and Darcy waves it in his face.

"Lucky day," says Darcy.

"Well, you can make this a lucky day for me if...ummmm...," starts Spinner.

He takes a deep breath, and gets down on one knee. Darcy's whole face turns scarlet, and I see her knees wobbling under her white dress.

"Spin," whispers Darcy.

"I know you have, like, another year of school left. But when we were doing all of this, I realized that you shouldn't wait to show how much you care about someone, especially if that someone has doubts about your love. And I, like, love you, Darce."

"I love you, too, Spin," replies Darcy, a tear falling on top of a carnation in her new bouquet.

"So," says Spinner, pulling out a small box. "This is for you."

"A little velvet box," breathes Darcy.

Darcy opens it, and it's a modest, but pretty silver ring with a small emerald in the center.

"It's a promise ring," says Spinner. "Like pre-engagement. It's more serious than a claddagh ring."

Darcy nods, wiping tears away. "Cory gave one to Topanga on Boy Meets World. We watched it last night after Caitlin's party."

"Yeah, I got it this morning,"says Spinner. "I was going to save it for Kid Elrick tickets, but this is more important."

"Dude, you blew money on a ring, and not Kid Elrick?" says Danny, dumbfounded.

"Be quiet, Danny!" reprimand Manny and Emma at the same time.

"After a year, I'm hoping this will be an engagement ring," says Spinner, giving her a hopeful smile. "But will you take this one as a start?"

"Yes...yes, Spinner!" says Darcy, clutching Spinner's face with her hands and kissing him deeply on the lips.

We all clap, even the adults who have no idea what happened in the past few days with Spinner and Darcy. But Spinner was on point, which seemed to be happening more and more as graduation approached. I remember what he said to me three years ago. Sometimes it's okay to act like an idiot. Sometimes it's okay to throw yourself out there. I peer up at the head table to try and see Craig, but he's gone.

I weave through the others, who are congratulating Spinner and Darcy on their pre-engagement, and bump past Danny, who still looks incredulous that Spinner would waste his money on jewelry instead of a concert. I check into a side room, hearing Patrick's band starting to play again. It sounds like a dedication to Spinner and Darcy.

_I don't know when to start or when to stop_

_My luck's like a button I can't stop pushing it _

_My head feels light, But I'm still in the dark _

_Seems like without tenderness there's something missing _

_Tenderness _

_Where is the _

_Tenderness _

_Where is it? _

_I held your hands, rings but none on that finger, we danced and danced_  
_but I was scared to go much further with it  
just half a chance  
make sure that one night you're here but  
next night you're not  
it always leaves me searching for a little _

_Tenderness  
where is the  
Tenderness_

"I know this song!" exclaims Angie from another room opposite me.

I put my ear next the door.

"It's in _Clueless,_" says Angie. "When Josh and Cher are kissing at the wedding."

"Well, it's more decent than the other stuff they've been playing," replies Craig. "Angie, don't spill the rice."

"I don't like that you have to throw it at them," says Angie. "Seems mean to me."

"It's tradition," says Craig. "They won't be offended."

I do a couple, small raps on the door, my stomach doing a flip-flop. Angie answers, a medium-sized bag in her hand. I start to speak, but Angie gives me a guilty smile and slips out silently. Craig is on his knees, putting a few things into his guitar case. He finally sees me, darts his eyes to the floor, then starts fiddling with the case again, paying me no mind.

"You're going?" I ask, more a statement than a question.

"Have to be back at ten in the morning tomorrow," answers Craig, tucking in some guitar polish.

"That's when I have my last final," I say, hoping that will get him to talk more. It doesn't.

"Well, are you almost finished...with the album, I mean?" I try again.

"Depends on what they say. I might be gone awhile."

I can feel my heart sinking to my shoes. Now that we were back in each other's lives, it hurt even more to know that I wouldn't see him for weeks or even months.

"How long do you think?" I say.

Craig stays silent, but closes the lid of the case.

"So did you hear about Spin and Darcy?" I say. "We might have another wedding soon."

Craig snaps his case shut, then gives me a cold smile.

"Spin and Darcy, Spin and Darcy," he mumbles.

He walks past me, and into the hotel's lobby, leading to the exit. I follow, rushing to keep up.

"Craig!" I yell.

Craig whips around, his eyes rising to the ceiling and then resting on me.

"I just asked a question," I say. "Why are you so mad?"

"You didn't come back there to talk about Spin and Darcy!"exclaims Craig.

"I just thought...," I begin.

"You came for...you came for something else! And I know it, Ashley."

I nod, shaking. "Yeah," I say, softly.

Craig looks at me, expectantly. I can't get the words out. The woman at the front desk eyes out suspiciously, as does a bell hop, even when holding the door open for an arriving couple. A group of tourists are sitting to our left, also engaged in our conversation.

"Can we go somewhere private?" I whisper.

"No," says Craig, flatly. "I need to go see Joey and Caitlin's limo driver and then I'm gone."

I tremble, looking around at anything– the hotel furniture, the suitcases next to me, the ring which I had slipped on right after Craig's toast.

"This is too hard," I say softly, feeling the tears burn at the back of my eyes.

"It's really not," says Craig. "You came up with a reason to let me go pretty quickly this morning. So if you want me to stay...and I mean, really want me to stay, you can come up with something pretty quickly too."

"I thought Ellie..."

"That's not a reason, Ashley."

I open my mouth, but am paralyzed. Droplets of sweat drip down my back. Craig gives me a hurt look, so hurt that it tears me apart I just cry in response, sniffling and gasping for breath..

"Take care, Ash," he whispers, clutching the case's handle tighter.

He drops his eyes, shakes his head, and makes for the exit. The clomping of his dress shoes start to fade, the scent of his cologne, that invisible magnet that always seems to make us crash into one another, and even when we meet, it's fresh, it's enthralling, it's something I want to live through with him, and it's something I want to last.

"Craig, stay for every reason," I say to his back, getting out the words, even though I'm surprised they're falling out. "Stay because it'll hurt me if you go, the same way it did you when I stayed in England. Stay because I'm back and I know I messed this up. Stay because I've only been in love once, too, or else I wouldn't wear your ring. And...I want that to be enough. Is that enough?"

The blood through my veins is pumping. All the guests look stupefied, and some turn to see what Craig will say next. I know I can't, so I back away, then face the other way. But I pause when I hear a thud, like a guitar case hitting a carpeted floor. It was a guitar case.

Craig walks to me slowly, and I stare into his eyes, looking for any traces of the coldness there before. I don't see any. I can only see warmth, relief.

"Yes," says Craig, collecting me in his arms, whispering in my ear. "That's enough."

I release every tear that couldn't fall, every sigh I was afraid to let out into his chest. All the guests are smiling at me. The bellhop even winks.

"Do I look terrible?" I murmur to Craig.

He kisses me, so hard, so fast, that I feel like my lips are being crushed. But I like the sensation so I kiss back, then wrap my hands around his neck. It seemed like we'd been waiting weeks, maybe years, for that kiss even though we've had several others since he came home. Maybe because it was the surest one yet, and we both know what's behind it. We know now that it will be the first of many.

I hear the front desk lady ring the bell, a happy little tinkle. He pulls away, a rapturous grin on his face.

"No, you look beautiful," whispers Craig. "Absolutely beautiful."

"Must be the lighting," I say. "Hotels are our thing after all."


	19. I Saw Her Standing There

XIX. I Saw Her Standing There

Well, she was just seventeen,  
You know what I mean,  
And the way she looked was way beyond compare,  
So how could I dance with another,  
Oh when I saw her standing there  
Well she looked at me,  
And I, I could see,  
That before too long I'd fall in love with her,  
She wouldn't dance with another,  
Oh when I saw her standing there.  
Well my heart went zoom as I crossed that room,  
And I held her hand in mine.  
Oh we danced through the night,  
And we held each other tight,  
And before to long I fell in love with her,  
Now I'll never dance with another,  
Oh when I saw her standing there.  
Well my heart went zoom as I crossed that room,  
And I held her hand in mine.  
Oh we danced through the night,  
And we held each other tight,  
And before too long I fell in love with her,  
Now I'll never dance with another,  
Oh since I saw her standing there.  
Oh since I saw her standing there.

A gaggle of girls surround Darcy, praising her ring. Darcy, her eyes still wet from tears of happiness, lays her head on Spinner's shoulder. On the other side of the room, Joey and Caitlin talk to Joey's mom, with Craig dragging me over to that corner. Joey's mom leaves when she sees Angie trying to sneak a piece of cake.

"Angela Elizabeth Jeremiah!" she cries.

"Hey, Craig," greets Joey, nudging Caitlin who smiles. "And Ashley, apparently."

"Apparently," replies Craig, smiling himself. "So who caught the garter?"

"Dwayne," answers Joey. "Caitlin fulfilled every fantasy he had about her."

"Well, it all comes down to our dance," says Caitlin.

"And now a song for the bride and groom," announces Patrick. "I heard Caitlin was a Beatles fan so I got out me songbook and made Joey pick something at the bachelor party. Luckily, he was sober at that point and not looking at the stripper. So here it goes, mates."

Caitlin punches Joey in the arm, then leads him to the dance floor. I fumble with my dress, looking down. Everyone else pairs up. Spinner and Darcy. Peter and Emma. Toby and Manny. Snake and Spike. Wheels and Lucy. Demetria...and Jimmy? Well, I guess Hazel's in the bathroom.

"_So how could I dance with another, Oh when I saw her standing there_," sings Patrick

Craig looks at me quickly, then stares straight ahead. I feel a tap on my shoulder. Ellie.

"I have to go," says Ellie. "Line up for good-byes."

I give her a huge hug, which makes me happy, that I don't have to hold back anymore. Ellie returns it, a strength behind it, a strength that lets me know she can pull through this latest problem. Instead of hugging Craig, she wrestles his hair.

"Take care of my friend," says Ellie. "I'll be back for graduation."

"Tell Seth I said hi," replies Craig. "And you take care of you."

"And you can call us anytime," I say. "Either one of us."

"Good to know," says Ellie, a quiet smile on her lips.

We watch Ellie walk outside the room, and Craig scratches his neck.

"_Well she looked at me, and I, I could see, that before too long I'd fall in love with her_," sings Patrick, who has managed to get Angie's attention because she's now swooning.

Craig clears his throat, and I throw my hair over my shoulder.

"This feels...," starts Craig.

"New?" I offer.

Craig's cheeks turn a little red. "Yeah."

I understand. When we were in the lobby, it was the cementing of a new beginning, even if we weren't thinking it was at the time. But that didn't mean it didn't feel good or right. Craig broke the ice the last time, so maybe I should break it this time.

"I'm Ashley, and you are?" I say, extending my hand for him to shake.

"Craig," answers Craig, relaxing his shoulders and shaking my hand.

"Craig Manning? I think I've heard some of your songs. They're really good."

Craig licks his lips, and starts to circle me. "Good enough for you to dance with me?"

"Hmmm, I don't know. I think some of your groupies would get jealous," I say, pointing out some imaginary girls.

"Yeah, but here's the thing," says Craig, still circling me. "I've had my eye on you for awhile now and you're the only one I'm interested in dancing with."

I nod at him. "Lead the way."

He takes me hand and twirls me before I put my hands close to his head, and his hands go around my waist.

_Oh we danced through the night, and we held each other tight..._

"How comes this feels so perfect?" I ask, pulling him closer.

"Because I'm in love with you," says Craig.

My heart beats faster. _Well my heart went zoom as I crossed that room_. I sigh and shake my head.

"But we just met," I say, my chest throbbing, giving him a sly grin..

"I may not know you and it may seem forward," whispers Craig confidently. "But each time we meet, I'm going to be in love with you."

"Then I must be forward too, because I'm in love with you," I say, rubbing my nose with his.

_And before too long I fell in love with her,  
Now I'll never dance with another,  
Oh since I saw her standing there.  
Oh since I saw her standing there._

"Love at first sight," I breathe.

"Love at every sight," corrects Craig, and I feel his heart beating through his clothes, faster than my own..

Angie skips to us, and breaks us apart. She points to Joey and Caitlin, who are dancing almost as closely as we were.

"Rice," says Angie.

"Huh?" says Craig.

"Rice!" says Angie urgently, nodding her head towards the door.

"Oh," realizes Craig, clapping his hand to his face. "We should head out."

"Can I help?" I ask them, as Angie guides Craig to the exit.

"You can't eat the rice,"teases Craig, grabbing my hand.

We jog until we reach the outside of the hotel. The rest of the wedding attendees were already assembled, lined up in two rows, making a pathway for the newlyweds. Peter, Emma, Snake, Spike, and Danny were on one side, while Demetria, Toby, Manny, and Jimmy were on the other side. Spinner and Darcy were holding open the limo door for them, though they were more preoccupied with gazing into each other's eyes. At least they weren't making out, like Toby and Manny were in their row. Emma throws a few grains of rice at them.

"Come up for air!" orders Emma. "They'll be here any minute."

Manny clucks her tongue, and Toby instinctively wipes off traces of Manny's lipstick. What's weird is that it looked like he'd already done it many times before. Well, it's not like I hadn't been kissing someone else just minutes before.

Craig and I stand beside Demetria, nearest the limo. We hear a few shouts that let us know Joey and Caitlin are on the way out.

"Make sure to kiss at the top of the Eiffel Tower!" yells Melanie. "It's so romantic."

Joey and Caitlin come out, and we lightly pelt them with the rice, yelling "Congratulations!" and "Good luck!" Caitlin giggles, and hugs each of us, while Joey shakes our hands.

"Before we get in," says Joey, looking at the limo, then us. "We just have to thank you for all the hard work you put into this journey. Demetria, especially."

"Recommend me to the friends!" shouts Demetria over the roaring of the limo's engine.

Emma and Manny grimace. Yeah, something tells me no one would be recommending her.

"Thanks for taking Angie, too!" says Caitlin to Demetria.

"We have fun," says Demetria. "I put hair in bouffant."

"Ewww," whispers Angie, turning her face so Demetria can't hear her.

Caitlin climbs into the limo, but Joey motions for Craig to lean down. What Joey says is fairly quiet, but it's loud enough for me to pick up.

"I assume you're staying for a bit longer," says Joey.

Craig answers with a shy grin.

"Good," says Joey. "And good luck. Just don't fool around in my bedroom."

Craig lightly pushes him into the limo, refusing to look him in the eye.. "Get in there, man."

"Hey, it was a valid request," says Joey, closing the door behind him.

The limo drives off, but Joey lowers the window and we see their hands waving to us. We wave back.

"What did he say?" I ask, pretending I didn't hear anything.

"He said he knew we'd be here," says Craig, massaging my back. "Just like them."

Demetria glances at us, and winks.

"I do your wedding too," she says. "The colors orange and white. You like?"

Angie pretends to barf. I smile politely.

"Get out of here," says Angie. "For your own good."

Demetria starts snapping at her. I think she's cursing in Russian.

"I didn't mean it, but those aren't good...," protests Angie.

"Run," whispers Craig, and we do. But at least we're not running from each other anymore; we're running away together.

**Please read the epilogue. :)**


	20. She's Leaving Home

**Epilogue**

XX. She's Leaving Home (a request from a review...thanks)

Wednesday morning and five o'clock as the day begins  
Silently closing her bedroom door  
Leaving the note that she hoped would say more  
She goes downstairs to the kitchen  
Clutching her hankerchief  
Quietly turning the backdoor key  
Stepping outside she is free.  
She (We gave her most of our lives)  
Is leaving (Sacrificed most of our lives)  
Home (We gave her everything money could buy)  
She's leaving home after living alone  
For so many years. Bye, bye.  
Father smores as his wife gets into her dressing gown  
Picks up the letter that's lying there  
Standing alone at the top of stairs  
She breaks down and cries to her husband  
Daddy our baby's gone.  
Why would she treat us so thoughtlessly  
How could she do this to me.  
She (We never thought of ourselves)  
Is leaving (Never a thought for ourselves)  
Home (We struggled hard all our lives to get by)  
She's leaving home after living alone  
For so many years. Bye, bye.  
Friday morning at nine o'clock she is far away  
Waiting to keep the appointment she made  
Meeting a man from the motor trade.  
She (What did we do that was wrong)  
Is leaving (We didn't know it was wrong)  
Home (Fun is the one thing that money can't buy)  
Something inside that was always denied  
For so many years. Bye, bye.  
She's leaving home bye bye.

I sit next to Liberty in the front row, smoothing out my blue robe, then adjusting my gold honors sash. The speech I wrote sits in my lap, written in the journal Craig gave me, a journal I finally felt comfortable writing in again. I can't tell you when the comfort of writing in it came back, only that it happened in some moment and I'm glad it did. The hot auditorium lights shine on us. Emma is a few seats down, clutching her own senior president speech, and Liberty goes over hers, mouthing it. I'd pretty much memorized mine.

Instead of going over it, I glance towards the back. It was two weeks after the wedding. I see Dad, Chris, and Mom, then an empty chair. I take a deep breath, adjust my sash again, then look back at the same spot. Still empty. He said he'd be coming, that he'd make a special trip from the studio to here. I'd seen Ellie earlier that day, and she had chosen to sit with Caitlin, who was kind enough to offer her a job that summer at her station. It turned out that taking on extra work for the literary magazine was the real culprit of why Ellie lost the scholarship, but Seth had promised to take on most of the work so Ellie could focus better next year. Ellie would still have the opportunity to further her career with Caitlin's offer. I'm glad things were starting to work out for her.

And I'm also glad that two weeks later, I'd been on the phone with Craig every night and that it was working for us. So I didn't understand why he wasn't here yet.

Just then, I hear a voice carry over the murmurs in the audience. Craig is ambling up the aisle, sees me, then pretends not to see me.

"Has anyone seen the valedictorian?" he calls. "You know, my girlfriend."

I slouch in my seat, creasing my robe. But I still smile and look at him.

He taps a few people on the shoulder. "My girlfriend's valedictorian," he says, pointing to me.

"Hey!" I say, beaming. "You came."

"No more doubts," says Craig, pretending to look offended. "I just came to see how you're doing."

"Nerves," I say, holding out my hand, which had started to shake, more because of him than because of the speech.

"You'll do great," reassures Craig. kissing my cheek.

"Hopefully," I breathe.

I glance down at his hands. He has about ten graduation programs.

"How many programs do you have?" I ask, trying not to sound too pleased.

"Twelve," answers Craig, grinning. "I'm getting more for your mom."

"Please don't take anymore," I beg.

"It was your mom's idea!" defends Craig. "Okay, I'll get them after the ceremony."

"Promise?"

"Promise," says Craig, though it doesn't sound too convincing. "Your name's in here like a billion times."

I shrug. "Meh."

Other parents and families start to take their seats. I see Spike settle in between Caitlin and J.T.'s grandmother. Angie flips off her ipod, which is somehow now full of songs from Patrick's album. I don't think Joey knows, though.

"Well, before I leave, I just need to know something" says Craig. "It's a very serious question."

"Yeah?" I say, furrowing my brow.

"What's under the robe?" whispers Craig in my ear.

I give him a little shove and whisper: "Stop thinking with what's inside your pants, Manning. Your lamp-riding pants, that is."

"You're never going to let me forget that," says Craig, giving me a quick peck on the lips, which I wish could've last longer. "I got excited was all."

Ms. Hatzilakos approaches the podium and taps the microphone. The auditorium quiets. I think back to when Craig first tracked me down at the pep rally, and how we decided to meet. I didn't know if we'd be like we are now. I just knew I wanted him to stop hating me, to believe that I was doing the best thing for us when I left. It was the best thing for us, because now, look where we are.

The first twenty minutes go by fast, and Liberty's speech is actually very good, and her parents are pleased with it. I think even her dad had a misty eye. J.T. asks a girl for a tissue, and dots his eye. Emma's is also pretty nice, but standard. She thanks her parents. Snake sniffles, and beams at her, while Spike kisses Jack, sitting on her lip, on his cheek.

"And now, I am pleased to introduce the valedictorian for the Degrassi Class of 2007. She is an exemplary student, a young woman of exceptional promise and character, and she's bound for the elite Banting University, where she will concentrate on media studies. Ladies and gentleman, your valedictorian, Ashley Marie Kerwin,"says Ms. Hatzilakos, nodding at me.

There is a healthy round of applause, definitely healthier than I expected. I walk up the steps, praying not to trip, and stand behind the podium. I can see in the back, where Craig and Mom smile at one another and that lifts my spirits. Chris has a huge smile on his face, while Dad rings his hands in anticipation.

"Good morning students, faculty, staff, honored guests, friends and families," I begin. "It seems like this day would never come, yet here we are, the future right in front of us. Our teachers have prepared us, our families have nurtured us, our friends have supported us. We are more than ready for the challenges to come."

As I continue, I see how much everyone has changed. I remember when Toby was shorter, when Manny was less inhibited, when Emma was more vocal about her causes, when Jimmy couldn't live without playing basketball everyday. How have I changed? Honestly, I can't see it. I just feel it. I feel like I won't run when I'm afraid, and I will stand straighter and walk taller than before.

I see that I'm nearly done, and pause before the next part, then proceed.

"I have to thank my parents and Chris for their love and support, through every one of my so-called transformations. They understood that I had to find myself. Because of my friends, I learned to love myself. Because of someone special, I learned to love."

I look at Craig, and mouth his name. I swear I saw a tear fall down his face, but he'd never tell me if it did.

"Because of these things, I feel I'm ready and I now you all will be too. Let's face the future then. It's ours for the taking. As I leave home, I'm undeniably confident. Good luck to all of you."

The audience applauds, and I take my seat. The rest is done in a flash. Our caps fly into the air, we hug one another, cameras flash. It's all a memory, but it's a good one.

"We should go to the Haunted House first," argues Manny, taking the brochure from Toby.

Mom peers over Manny's shoulder. "Why not decide when you get there?"

Manny shrugs. She was auditioning for a teen comedy in California, and Toby had decided to fly out with her now before moving there permanently to pursue a degree at USC. All that talk about anime, and he was going to be an animator. Figures. If Manny got the job, she would relocate as well. Liberty was heading to Boston to study at Brown, and J.T. assured her that they could work long-distance while he produced the kiddie show he worked for. Call me crazy, but I think they'll be alright. Peter was also heading to film school, but in New York, and Emma signed up for the Peace Corps. She told me university could wait a year.

I lug a box to my room, then turn on the fan. Even in a tank top, I'm still sweating. Packing for Banting is annoying, but Craig is making it easier.

"Ugh," I moan, sitting on his lap.

"Maybe this is a sign that you should stay right here," says Craig, kissing my bare shoulder.

"Not go to Banting?" I say.

"Nah, you gotta go to Banting. But for now, just don't move."

I smooth out his curls. "I'm going to miss you."

Craig strokes my back. "No talk of missing. We still have two days before I have to leave for Vancouver. And there's such a thing as a phone. Banting's closer to Vancouver. I checked."

"Aww, you checked," I say, playfully pouting.

"So what if I did?" says Craig.

I stand up, but Craig protests. "Hey, where are you going?" he asks.

Sifting through my papers, I find my journal and hand it to him.

"I can read it?" says Craig.

"Just page twenty-seven," I answer, pointing to the bookmark that saved the page.

Craig cracks it open, starts reading, and I can see his eyes light up. He looks at me and I shrug, not sure what to say.

"May 22, Joey and Caitlin's wedding day," he reads aloud. "Today, I danced with a total stranger. But the stranger's touch felt like his body was made for mine, the stranger's eyes can read me right through, the stranger's voice knew all the things to say. Then I looked up again and I saw him standing there. I hope he'd say the same, that he saw me standing there, and that was all that mattered. In seconds, we weren't strangers anymore. We were what the other needed and wanted. We should've known it at first glance, but sometimes you're afraid to see it. Not the case now. We're an us and no one can take it away."

I take the journal back from him, and hug it to my chest.

"Did you like it?" I ask.

"I didn't like it," says Craig with a straight face.

I bite my lip, then looked down. Craig raises my head to his.

"I love it," he says.

We start kissing, and I hope my mom doesn't come in. The sun does though, streaming through the window. It's welcome to come. It shines on us, like I've been waiting for it too.

**Thanks for all your reviews. They kept me writing. And this is my first completed fan fic...ever! Keep the CrAsh faith alive. I'll be starting another one soon, and look forward to reading other CrAsh stories on the site.**


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